IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

At a present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large amount of young adults ,compare with the number of older people .do The advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #amount #adults #people #situation
Nowadays, there is a notice of increased number of young adults than old ones in a few countries. In my own opinion, I believe that the advantages of the situation outweigh the disadvantages.
Firstly
, let us discuss the advantages of having a more young adult population than older people.
For instance
, the workplace needs a particular someone who has more strength and can do more physical activities especially if the type of job needs more lifting
however
 if knowledge-based I think it would be better to hire someone more experienced in the field like older people.
In addition
 to
this
, the younger generation are enthusiasts and can easily adapt to changes.
On the other hand
, one of the major disadvantages is that younger generations lack discipline, especially in the workplace. Oftentimes, they can't handle work-life balance, they tend to be overworked. Dealing with stress-related issues is one of the struggles they find difficult to overcome,
whereas
 older adults are good at handling stress, for the reason that they have better judgment when it comes to different things. In conclusion, I believe that the advantages of a large amount of young adults outweigh the disadvantages of having fewer older people.
Submitted by sandiego_anne on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion, try to use more linking words and ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help in making your essay flow better.
task achievement
Your main points are clear, but they lack specific examples and detailed explanations. Adding these will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Consider addressing both sides of the argument more evenly. Although you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, providing a more balanced view will show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your viewpoint easily.
task achievement
Your writing includes some good points about the strengths of younger adults, particularly in the workplace, and also touches on potential disadvantages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: