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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The growing number of overweight is puttung a strian on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involed some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is undoubtedly true that the increasing population of obese individuals is becoming a huge burden on the health sector.
Consequently
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, some the opinion that incorporating more exercise lessons and sporting activities in schools is the ultimate solution.
While
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 I agree that physical education should be added to the school curriculum, I would
also
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 argue that choosing healthier diet options is another
resolve
Replace the word
resolution
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 to be considered. On the one hand, introducing classes on exercise equips children with the knowledge of the significance of engaging in physical activities and the essence of burning excess calories.
Therefore
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, they can make better lifestyle decisions by totally ruling out sedentary living.
For instance
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, only a few Thai adults participate in sports in the modern world,
whereas
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, if they had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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thought about its relevance at a tender age, it is
extreamely
Correct your spelling
extremely
 possible that a larger number of people
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 be found in gyms and
sport stadium
Fix the agreement mistake
sports stadiums
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.
On the other hand
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, the intake of healthy meals and drinks are key
approaches
Fix the agreement mistake
approach
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in
Change preposition
to
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 preventing and managing obesity.
This
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 is because being overweight primarily stems from the consumption of incorrect food choices
such
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 as processed meals, sweetened soda
as well as
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 alcohol.
Hence
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, educating people on the benefits of choosing healthier diets
such
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 as fiber-rich foods which have been proven to reduce the risk of metabolic diseases and cardiovascular problems, goes a long way in helping them make informed choices of what to feed on. In conclusion,
although
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 including lessons on physical activities in school syllabuses is a good method of managing obesity, encouraging healthy dietary changes
also
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 improves
the
Correct article usage
apply
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overall
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 public health and economic expenditures.

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task achievement
Ensure to proofread your work to correct minor typographical and grammatical errors, such as 'strian' instead of 'strain' and 'thought' instead of 'taught'.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the essay could use more transitional phrases to ensure seamless flow between ideas.
task achievement
Although the examples are relevant, adding more concrete data or specific case studies could strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and logically presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • healthcare system
  • obesity
  • chronic diseases
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • lifelong habits
  • physical activity
  • mental health
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • nutrition
  • healthy eating habits
  • holistic approach
  • logistics
  • budget constraints
  • facilities
  • trained staff
  • quality of education
  • active lifestyle
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