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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The growing number of overweight is puttung a strian on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involed some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is undoubtedly true that the increasing population of obese individuals is becoming a huge burden on the health sector.
Consequently
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some the opinion that incorporating more exercise lessons and sporting activities in schools is the ultimate solution.
While
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 I agree that physical education should be added to the school curriculum, I would
also
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 argue that choosing healthier diet options is another
resolve
Replace the word
resolution

The word resolve doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 to be considered. On the one hand, introducing classes on exercise equips children with the knowledge of the significance of engaging in physical activities and the essence of burning excess calories.
Therefore
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they can make better lifestyle decisions by totally ruling out sedentary living.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, only a few Thai adults participate in sports in the modern world,
whereas
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, if they had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb been appears to be unnecessary here.

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thought about its relevance at a tender age, it is
extreamely
Correct your spelling
extremely

If you don’t want extreamely to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

possible that a larger number of people
will
Wrong verb form
would

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb will. Consider changing it.

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 be found in gyms and
sport stadium
Fix the agreement mistake
sports stadiums

It seems that sport stadium may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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.
On the other hand
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the intake of healthy meals and drinks are key
approaches
Fix the agreement mistake
approach

It seems that approaches may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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in
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 preventing and managing obesity.
This
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 is because being overweight primarily stems from the consumption of incorrect food choices
such
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as processed meals, sweetened soda
as well as
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 alcohol.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, educating people on the benefits of choosing healthier diets
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as fiber-rich foods which have been proven to reduce the risk of metabolic diseases and cardiovascular problems, goes a long way in helping them make informed choices of what to feed on. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 including lessons on physical activities in school syllabuses is a good method of managing obesity, encouraging healthy dietary changes
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 improves
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 public health and economic expenditures.

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task achievement
Ensure to proofread your work to correct minor typographical and grammatical errors, such as 'strian' instead of 'strain' and 'thought' instead of 'taught'.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the essay could use more transitional phrases to ensure seamless flow between ideas.
task achievement
Although the examples are relevant, adding more concrete data or specific case studies could strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and logically presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • healthcare system
  • obesity
  • chronic diseases
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • lifelong habits
  • physical activity
  • mental health
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • nutrition
  • healthy eating habits
  • holistic approach
  • logistics
  • budget constraints
  • facilities
  • trained staff
  • quality of education
  • active lifestyle
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