The growing number of overweight is puttung a strian on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involed some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree
It is undoubtedly true that the increasing population of obese individuals is becoming a huge burden on the health sector.
Consequently
, some the opinion that incorporating more exercise lessons and sporting activities in schools is the ultimate solution. While
I agree that physical education should be added to the school curriculum, I would also
argue that choosing healthier diet options is another resolve
to be considered.
On the one hand, introducing classes on exercise equips children with the knowledge of the significance of engaging in physical activities and the essence of burning excess calories. Replace the word
resolution
Therefore
, they can make better lifestyle decisions by totally ruling out sedentary living. For instance
, only a few Thai adults participate in sports in the modern world, whereas
, if they had been
thought about its relevance at a tender age, it is Unnecessary verb
apply
extreamely
possible that a larger number of people Correct your spelling
extremely
will
be found in gyms and Wrong verb form
would
sport stadium
.
Fix the agreement mistake
sports stadiums
On the other hand
, the intake of healthy meals and drinks are key approaches
Fix the agreement mistake
approach
in
preventing and managing obesity. Change preposition
to
This
is because being overweight primarily stems from the consumption of incorrect food choices such
as processed meals, sweetened soda as well as
alcohol. Hence
, educating people on the benefits of choosing healthier diets such
as fiber-rich foods which have been proven to reduce the risk of metabolic diseases and cardiovascular problems, goes a long way in helping them make informed choices of what to feed on.
In conclusion, although
including lessons on physical activities in school syllabuses is a good method of managing obesity, encouraging healthy dietary changes also
improves the
Correct article usage
apply
overall
public health and economic expenditures.Submitted by viewsoysoongnern on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Ensure to proofread your work to correct minor typographical and grammatical errors, such as 'strian' instead of 'strain' and 'thought' instead of 'taught'.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the essay could use more transitional phrases to ensure seamless flow between ideas.
task achievement
Although the examples are relevant, adding more concrete data or specific case studies could strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and logically presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.