The growing number of overweight is puttung a strian on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involed some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is undoubtedly true that the increasing population of obese individuals is becoming a huge burden on the health sector.

Consequently

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, some the opinion that incorporating more exercise lessons and sporting activities in schools is the ultimate solution.

While

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I agree that physical education should be added to the school curriculum, I would

also

Linking Words

argue that choosing healthier diet options is another

resolve

Replace the word

resolution

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to be considered. On the one hand, introducing classes on exercise equips children with the knowledge of the significance of engaging in physical activities and the essence of burning excess calories.

Therefore

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, they can make better lifestyle decisions by totally ruling out sedentary living.

For instance

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, only a few Thai adults participate in sports in the modern world,

whereas

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, if they had

been

Unnecessary verb

apply

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thought about its relevance at a tender age, it is

extreamely

Correct your spelling

extremely

possible that a larger number of people

will

Wrong verb form

would

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be found in gyms and

sport stadium

Fix the agreement mistake

sports stadiums

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On the other hand

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, the intake of healthy meals and drinks are key

approaches

Fix the agreement mistake

approach

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Change preposition

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preventing and managing obesity.

This

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is because being overweight primarily stems from the consumption of incorrect food choices

such

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as processed meals, sweetened soda

as well as

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alcohol.

Hence

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, educating people on the benefits of choosing healthier diets

such

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as fiber-rich foods which have been proven to reduce the risk of metabolic diseases and cardiovascular problems, goes a long way in helping them make informed choices of what to feed on. In conclusion,

although

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including lessons on physical activities in school syllabuses is a good method of managing obesity, encouraging healthy dietary changes

also

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improves

the

Correct article usage

apply

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overall

Linking Words

public health and economic expenditures.

viewsoysoongnernThu Jul 04 2024

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task achievement

Ensure to proofread your work to correct minor typographical and grammatical errors, such as 'strian' instead of 'strain' and 'thought' instead of 'taught'.

coherence cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the essay could use more transitional phrases to ensure seamless flow between ideas.

task achievement

Although the examples are relevant, adding more concrete data or specific case studies could strengthen the arguments.

task achievement

You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.

coherence cohesion

Your main points are well-supported and logically presented.

coherence cohesion

The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.

13
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

269 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

healthcare system
obesity
chronic diseases
diabetes
heart disease
lifelong habits
physical activity
mental health
stress
anxiety
depression
nutrition
healthy eating habits
holistic approach
logistics
budget constraints
facilities
trained staff
quality of education
active lifestyle

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In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of parents who are choosing to educate their children themselves at home instead of sending them to school. Do the advantages of home education outweigh the disadvantages?(nv)

Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (i.e. music and painting). To what extent do you agree or disagree