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Band 5.5

In many countries children are engaged in some kid of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong,while other consider it as valuabl work .what is your opinion?

#countries #children #kid #work #people #valuabl
There is no doubt that
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some countries , particularly less economically developed ones ,
involving
Wrong verb form
involve
show examples
children
 in the
work
 fields.
However
 , it is debated that some people regard
this
 as a wrong or good value for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
. In my opinion , I strongly agree with
this
 notion that
children
 should engage with
work
experince
Correct your spelling
experience
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age .
To begin
 with , no one can deny that education serves a great purpose in human
life
 whether in theory or in practice .
Similarity
Replace the word
Similarly
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, paid
work
is
Change the verb form
also provides
show examples
also
 provides important
life
 skills
such
 as responsibility ,
time-management
Correct your spelling
time management
show examples
 and financial skills.
For example
 , a successful
bussinessman
Correct your spelling
businessman
 like Mark Zuckerberg who is now
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 CEO of the famous social media called Facebook
also
 started his works in his early twenties .
Nevertheless
 ,
children
 that participate
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different
work
 scenarios can
enchance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 their self-esteem and communication skills.
On the other hand
 , there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 always a number of
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
concern
Wrong verb form
concerning
show examples
an
Remove the article
apply
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age-appropriate employment related to their physical and mental well-being. As we all know
this
 is because of the indifferent strength between the adults and the young ones .
Same
Correct article usage
The same
show examples
 goes
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental health where
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mature
person are
Verb problem
people
show examples
tends
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to adapt better in their real
life
. Health care ,
for instance
 ,
this
 job needs
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
education
Change preposition
of education
show examples
 and practical experiences in order to
work
 in
this
 profession because any error can cause mortality to the patients. In conclusion , granted there are drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 involving
children
 in some kind of paid
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. Despite all the negativity ,I believe that youngsters
are encourage
Change the verb form
are encouraged
show examples
 to
work
for ensuring
Change preposition
to ensure
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
greater
life
satisfraction
Correct your spelling
satisfaction
 with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good guidance from the adults to help them to improve and take care of themselves.
Submitted by tifjong on

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task achievement
1. Clarify Arguments: Ensure that arguments supporting both sides of the debate are clearly stated. 2. Reduce Typographical Errors: Proofread the text to correct typographical mistakes (e.g., "bussinessman" should be "businessman").
coherence cohesion
1. Improve Paragraph Structure: Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next for better readability. 2. Expand Examples: Include more elaborate and contextually relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
1. Clearly Stated Opinion: The essay clearly states the writer's opinion, making it easy to follow. 2. Balanced View: Although primarily focusing on one side, the essay considers counterarguments. 3. Good Use of Examples: Examples provided support the argument well.
coherence cohesion
1. Logical Flow: Ideas generally flow in a logical sequence, making the essay easy to follow. 2. Introduction and Conclusion: Both are present and serve their purposes well, clearly outlining the essay's main points and summarizing them effectively.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • time management
  • financial literacy
  • economic necessity
  • less economically developed
  • additional income
  • ethical concerns
  • exploitation
  • unsafe working conditions
  • physical and mental well-being
  • rights protected
  • balance
  • light, age-appropriate employment
  • education or leisure time
  • primary responsibilities
  • legal and ethical considerations
  • child labor laws
  • voluntary
  • age-appropriate
  • children's development
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