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Band 5.5

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree.

#countries #teenagers #jobs #think #development
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In our modern world, everyone needs to earn money for living expenses.
While
 many believe that teenagers should take on part-time jobs, others argue it may hinder healthy development.
This
 essay discusses both views and explores why I believe that refraining from work could have a better effect on their development. There are benefits to teenagers working part-time before the age of 16.
Firstly
, it can be highly beneficial for their personal growth. They can earn money and gain valuable experiences
instead
 of relying solely on theoretical knowledge in their chosen fields.
For example
, with practical experience, they would be better prepared to handle crises or take risks.
Furthermore
, creating part-time jobs for young people enhances the quality of the workforce.
On the other hand
, there are compelling reasons against teenagers working.
Initially
, some argue that they should focus solely on their education to play a significant role in society later in life. Working at a young age may waste their potential during critical developmental years. Research has shown that ninety per cent of individuals who start working early fail to achieve their long-term goals.
Additionally
, their literacy rates could be affected by balancing work and studies. In conclusion, as mentioned above, part-time employment can be disruptive for secondary school students, diverting their focus from academic pursuits.
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task achievement
Develop your points more thoroughly to provide a richer analysis. For instance, explain how part-time work can specifically hinder academic and personal development.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your arguments by using more transitional phrases and linking words. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. This could include statistics, personal anecdotes, or references to studies.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and adequately frame the essay. This gives your essay a clear beginning and ending, which is good for coherence.
task achievement
You managed to present both sides of the argument, showing a well-rounded understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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