IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lifes. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives #lifes
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In our world there is no chance to develop yourself or discover something without taking a
risk
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 and as they say "no
risk
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 no story". in
this
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 essay, I will provide why it's important to take a
risk
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 in your
life
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 and how it can help
people
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 to improve their lives.
Firstly
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,
people
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 need to take a
risk
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 to improve their career path or change their career to be a better path, some
people
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plan
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 to go to university to study for another undergraduate degree,
Although
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, they already have a degree,
Furthermore
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, some take a
risk
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 to move to another country to find a decent job
instead
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 of their home country,
in addition
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, some scientists experience a dangerous situation to discover something that can help the world to improve,
However
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, to take a
risk
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 you need a
plan
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 and a good knowledge with the thing that you will do.
On the other hand
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, sometimes taking a
risk
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 will eventually put you in danger even if you
plan
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 very well,
Furthermore
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, lots of
people
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 take risks in different fields of their lives and end up losing money, jobs, or
life
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.
In addition
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, some
people
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 can not handle the pressure of their
risk
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 and give up quickly losing everything, In
this
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 case,
people
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 should determine themselves very well and see if they can handle the consequences of their own
risk
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, especially in their jobs,
Thus
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,
people
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 should not be in a rush of taking a
risk
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 in their
life
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.
To conclude
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, taking a
risk
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 can really help
people
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 to improve but only with a good
plan
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 and patience because sometimes the result will take a long time to come and it can open new opportunities in different fields of their
life
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,
finally
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,
this
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 essay shows how taking a
risk
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 has more merits compared to the disadvantages.
Submitted by aziz1dakhil on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, but ensure that you maintain formal academic language throughout. For example, replace 'no risk no story' with something more formal and universally understood.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is logically organized, try using more varied linking devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Adding more specific examples can bolster your arguments. For instance, mention notable people or real-life scenarios where risk-taking has led to significant success or failure.
coherence cohesion
Refine sentences for clarity. Some parts of your essay are a bit lengthy and could benefit from more concise wording.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your arguments.
task achievement
You’ve addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical flow of ideas, from the importance of taking risks to the potential downsides.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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