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Writing Samples /
Band 7

Once children start primary school, teachers have more influence than parents do on their intellectual and social development. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#children #school #teachers #influence #parents #development
In
this
 day and age, some claim that it is
teachers
instead
 of
parents
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 play the dominant role in the spiritual and social
development
 of children. As for my perspective,
this
 is correct. It is indisputable that when considering intellectual
development
,
teachers
 are far superior as
teachers
 are actually well-trained. They spend loads of time on students, and it is their obligation to teach during class
as well as
 correct their homework.
As a result
, loads of working experiences and corresponding skills can be handled by them. They could find out the most suitable way to teach students with separate characteristics, which promotes them to develop their minds dramatically.
By contrast
, most
parents
 prefer to concentrate their attention on working.
Hence
 they are not as conscious as
teachers
 of their children’s mental
development
. When it comes to social
development
, schooling surely beats parenting, though
parents
 do bring their children to public places frequently. As schools are societies in miniature, students can cultivate several basic social skills and put them into practice under the guidance of
teachers
.
For example
,
teachers
 can teach how to do group collaboration and include it in their classes. Youngsters
thus
 can better grasp how to communicate with others who have different opinions and team spirit.
Teachers
 can instil in teenagers high moral values
then
.
On the other hand
, when staying at home, teenagers cannot realize the significance and necessity of
such
 spirits, because of the dearth of practical chances. In a nutshell,
teachers
 are more sophisticated and well-prepared to augment their students’ mental
development
 than
parents
. I suggest that
parents
 should focus more on their kids, contributing to their versatile
development
.
Submitted by christianwang on

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task achievement
The essay can benefit from more specific examples to support the main points. Including concrete instances or evidence will make the argument stronger.
task achievement
Some of the language used is slightly informal for an IELTS essay. Aim for a more academic tone by avoiding phrases such as 'loads of' and instead using terms like 'a significant amount'.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding more transitional phrases for smoother flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
coherence cohesion
It would be helpful to briefly mention why some might argue against the opinion presented, and then refute that counter-argument. This will showcase a balanced analysis.
introduction
The introduction is clear, and it presents the opinion concisely.
logical structure
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the points made in the essay and gives a final opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Structured learning environment
  • Cognitive skills
  • Social interactions
  • Pedagogical techniques
  • Moral values
  • Emotional well-being
  • Complementary roles
  • Academic and social education
  • Individualized attention
  • Life skills training
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