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Band 7.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #effort #health #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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Owing to the problems that a growing population of overweight people causes for the
health
 care system, some people think that the key to solving these issues is to have more
sport
 and exercise in
schools
. I completely agree that
this
 is the best way to tackle the issue of deteriorating public
health
 in relation to weight.
Firstly
, dealing with the issues surrounding obesity and weight problems is best solved by taking a long-term approach and introducing more
sport
 and exercise in
schools
.
This
 method will ensure that the next generation will be healthier and will not have
such
health
 problems. At the moment, the average child in the West does
sport
 possibly twice a week, which is not enough to counteract their
otherwise
 sedentary lifestyle.
However
, by incorporating more
sports
 classes into the curriculum
as well as
 encouraging extracurricular
sports
 activities, they will undoubtedly become fitter and more active. Another point to consider is that having more
sports
 lessons for
children
 in
schools
 will probably result in
children
 developing an interest in exercise which might filter through to other members of their family and have a longer-lasting effect.
In other words
, parents with sporty
children
 are more likely to get involved in
sports
 as a way of encouraging their
children
. By both parents and
children
 being involved, it will ensure that
children
 grow up to incorporate
sport
 into their daily lives.
This
 is certainly a natural and lasting way to improve public
health
. In conclusion, to deal with an increasing population of unfit, overweight people, changing the lifestyle of the coming generation by introducing
sport
 in
schools
 is the easiest and most effective method to use.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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coherence
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task
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structure
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which encapsulate the main ideas effectively.
content
The main points are well-supported and logically organized within the body paragraphs.
task
The essay directly addresses all parts of the task and significantly engages with the question.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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