IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people believe that the government should be responsible for making laws to improve public health and nutrition, while others argue that it is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both the views and then give your opinion.

#people #government #laws #health #nutrition #matter #choice #responsibility
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It is often thought that improving
health
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 and
nutrition
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 through law should be done by the
government
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.
However
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, others believe that individuals are responsible for their
health
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. In my opinion, I believe that maintaining
health
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 and
nutrition
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 intake should depend on the community’s financial condition. On the one hand,
according to
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 some
people
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, the
government
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 should maintain healthcare and
nutrition
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 to prevent prolonged starvation. Many
people
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 in developing countries still live paycheck to paycheck, which means some need to limit their spending. With the limited amount of money, they are unable to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 daily calories, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to a high percentage of stunting in
baby
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babies
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 and children. The
government
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 should create a food bank and public
health
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center
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centre
show examples
 to ensure no longer
people
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 are unable to eat daily.
On the other hand
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, others think improving
health
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 and
nutrition
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 should be an individual responsibility, especially for
people
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 with privileges.
People
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 with
high income
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high-income
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 levels can afford to go abroad just for healthcare checks, even without insurance. Apart from that, those
people
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 can afford expensive food items. When they are allergic to specific types of food, they can just change it into others even though it is only available from the imported store.
Therefore
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, those
people
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 can maintain their healthcare because they can afford it.
Finally
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, in my view, whether the
government
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 or individuals should be responsible for improving
health
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 and
nutrition
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 depends on the financial conditions. The
government
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 should help those who come from poor
families
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 by building public facilities and allocating more funds for public programs. Meanwhile, individuals from high-middle income
families
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 can fund their choice by themselves since they have more privileges. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having many different opinions, I believe that improving
health
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 and nutrient intake should be done by the
government
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 in terms of poor
families
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while
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 richer
families
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 can fund individual choices.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-organized, and your main points are clearly presented. However, consider adding more detailed examples for each point to strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas flow seamlessly from one to another. Some transitions could be smoother to improve overall readability.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly encapsulate your viewpoint.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both views, which is essential for a high score in task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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