IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

When choosing a job, while some people think that the salary is the most important thing to be taken into consideration, others have a diverse view. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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People have various perspectives about choosing their occupations. A group of them think that the most crucial
factor
Use synonyms
 for opting for is the salary
while
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 others think differently about
job
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 selections. In my personal opinion,
job
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 satisfaction is an important
factor
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 for accepting a
job
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 opportunity owing to the fact that it has a positive effect on the population's success and mental health. On the one hand, when the income from one
job
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 is really good,
then
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 the individual who likes money attracts it. In fact, financial security is the best
factor
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 that creates a chance for communities to enhance the level of their lifestyle quality and have access to the best items,
such
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 as cars, accommodations, pastimes, and so on.
In addition
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, financial status is the main
factor
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 in the new era, that people judge each other based on .
However
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, a group of these populations ,after the short run, will lose their employment status inasmuch as they do not have the creativity and high efficiency that employers require.
On the other hand
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, liking the
job
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 and trying to upgrade their knowledge and skills about their careers provides an opportunity for them to increase their salary after a short time.
Whereas
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, in the beginning, their income is the lowest from other works owing to the fact that they become skilled workforce who know about everything and can solve every matter and every corporation like to obtain them for their development with high salary.
Additionally
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,
job
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 satisfaction is the energy that aids people to feel good
instead
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 of frustrated and at risk of mental issues. To summarise, in my opinion, income influences on type of equipment ,houses, and social status but can not give them the development and become the best in their careers with high salaries or mental health.
To conclude
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, liking the occupation is more essential than how much money you earn from it.

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task achievement
Your essay presents clear arguments for both views, but you could enhance your argument by providing more specific examples and details to better illustrate your points.
coherence and cohesion
Consider organizing your ideas more clearly. For example, using distinct paragraphs for each argument can improve the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, try to restate your main points more emphatically to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the topic and provide a balanced discussion of both views.
task achievement
Your opinion is clearly stated, and you articulate the importance of job satisfaction effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • quality of life
  • basic needs
  • save for the future
  • afford luxuries
  • sign of success
  • self-esteem
  • social status
  • job satisfaction
  • long-term happiness
  • emotional well-being
  • fulfilling job
  • higher productivity
  • sense of accomplishment
  • work-life balance
  • flexible working hours
  • remote work opportunities
  • good benefits
  • health insurance
  • retirement plans
  • professional development opportunities
  • subjective
  • individual needs
  • life circumstances
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