IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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There is no holistic development of a country without a consistent growth of its public
health
 sector. Some argue that the best way for
this
 improvement is by increasing
sports
 facilities,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 is it really the principal way compared to all the other measures? I do not believe so. Primarily, the argument for the notion, is that
sports
 facilities by definition will obviously provide citizens
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 space to engage in various
sports
 which essentially means more potential and availability for physical activity to be carried out which undoubtedly is one of the major factors in promoting healthier lifestyles.
Furthermore
, it introduces more exciting ways for individuals to work out.
For instance
, a lot of people who are unaware of the variety of ways in which they can carry out their daily movement particularly benefit from having a
sports
 centre nearby where they can be introduced to options other than just having a walk around the park in the name of fitness. Having said all that, it is not sufficient enough for improvement on a more national level. Issues regarding drinking water quality and the healthcare system, concern public
health
 far more significantly than personal physical fitness does.
Therefore
, I believe
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 monetary investments should
instead
 go into making healthcare more affordable and accessible for every socio-economic class across the country.
For example
, farmers, who make up a large occupational sector in India, live in small villages but have no less physical expenditure than an athlete does, yet are victims to most illnesses
due to
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of hospitals in said villages and poor quality of water being supplied there. All in all,
sports
 facilities are undeniably an excellent way to promote public
health
 but I cannot agree that it is the best one. There are more dire factors like drinking water and hospital infrastructures, which if tended to
first,
could revolutionise a country's
health
.
Submitted by Writing8 on

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task response
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task prompt. However, there is room for improvement in making the transitions between points a little smoother. Also, adding a few more specific examples could further strengthen your argument and provide additional support for your main points.
coherence cohesion
While the essay maintains logical structure and clear organization, at times the flow could benefit from more seamless transitions between ideas. Use more cohesive devices such as furthermore, in addition, and hence to link your points together more fluidly.
task response
You have effectively addressed both views and provided a well-reasoned personal opinion, which is essential for a high task response score.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and well crafted, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing the main points discussed.
task response
Your main points are well-supported with relevant examples, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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