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Band 4

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
The number of
obeisty
Correct your spelling
obesity
incrased
Correct your spelling
increased
 recently and that
lead
Wrong verb form
has led
show examples
 to
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
stress on hospitals to work with it. I completely agree with the idea that
hese
Correct your spelling
these
 are put
more
Change preposition
on more
show examples
piysical
Correct your spelling
physical
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
Fix the infinitive
to
show examples
help people to
undrstand
Correct your spelling
understand
 and avoid to be in
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
overnight
. The are several
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the reason
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 why
shluod
Correct word choice
schools should
show examples
intrduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 more
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in schools
talk
Correct word choice
and talk
show examples
 about how to
maitain
Correct your spelling
maintain
body
 weight.
Firstly
, it is
Fix the infinitive
to
show examples
Make
students
undrstand
Correct your spelling
understand
 why we should be fit and be in
helthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 weight to avoid
risk
Add an article
the risk
show examples
 of obesity and other
helath proplem
Correct your spelling
health problems
.
Secondly
, these
leasons
Correct your spelling
lessons
 help
students
 fully
undrstand
Correct your spelling
understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
body
 exercise and make
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
undrstand
Correct your spelling
understand
 the
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 if they dont do it like
injurys
Correct your spelling
injuries
 and
helth proplems
Correct your spelling
health problems
. A study
oublished
Correct your spelling
published
 by New York University in 2013 concluded that 70% of people have
deabtes
Correct your spelling
diabetes
debates
 and hypertension
becuse
Correct your spelling
because
 of obesity and
this
 is
dangerus
Correct your spelling
dangerous
.
Finally
, physical
activties
Correct your spelling
activities
activity
reduce stress and make him
happyer
Correct your spelling
happier
happy
. I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
not
interduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
more physical
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 in schools effect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people ,
becuse
Correct your spelling
because
 it is not enough for
students
know
Add the particle
to know
show examples
 about
thir
Correct your spelling
their
body
nedded
Correct your spelling
needed
.
Furthermore
, More
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 make
students
 take it
serius
Correct your spelling
seriously
serious
 and work hard in
theis activties
Correct your spelling
these activities
 to
avoied
Correct your spelling
avoid
 begen in
helthy
Correct your spelling
the
 risk of obesity .
Helthy
Correct your spelling
Healthy
body
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
Correct article usage
a Helthy
show examples
Helthy
Correct your spelling
Healthy
 mind, trining
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
brain
Correct article usage
the brain
show examples
helthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 and
incrase
Correct your spelling
increases
 focus to
students
 to
achive thiers golas
Correct your spelling
achieve their goals
 and make
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 happy. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 if they take more
leasons
Correct your spelling
lessons
 how
control
Add the particle
to control
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 bodies they may
be prevent
Change the verb form
prevent
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 self to
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 in
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
helthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
health
 state. In conclusion, my view is that schools should be interduce more
phiscal
Correct your spelling
physical
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 that
benfit
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
 all
students
 in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 lives, and
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
worng
Correct your spelling
wrong
 to take
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
leasones
Correct your spelling
lessons
 about
thier
Correct your spelling
their
body
exercsie
Correct your spelling
exercise
 to fully
undrstand
Correct your spelling
understand
 the
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of avoid to be in overweight .
Submitted by ijaly4 on

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language
Enhance spelling and grammar accuracy by proofreading your work or using tools for spell checking.
task response
Develop your points more thoroughly. For example, when discussing the benefits of physical education, you could include statistics or case studies to make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the coherence of your essay by making sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Use sequencing words and transitional phrases to help guide the reader.
task response
Your introduction sets a clear stance, which is a good starting point for an argumentative essay.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is crucial for coherence and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your stance, which is important for a well-rounded essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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