IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

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It is true that nowadays, in some parts of the world, the number of youngsters is much more than that elderlies. Despite that
this
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 situation has both advantages and drawbacks, I believe its benefits are more significant and the negative sides are negligible. Regarding the drawbacks, it can be said that if the number of young
people
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 increases too much, it means that in the next few decades, old
people
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 make up the majority of society.
For instance
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, Japan and Italy are two countries that have the potential to face
this
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 issue in the near future.
Also
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, many young
people
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 need the support of elderlies, whether financial or social, because in the contemporary world, there are many obstacles facing the youth,
thus
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, starting from square one can be a devastating job. Despite all these negative points, I believe that these problems are negligible and
this
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 situation can be more beneficial for society. Considering the advantages,
firstly
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, young
people
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 have more enthusiasm to help society and make progress.
According to
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 statistics, many employees who
work
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 in technology-related jobs
such
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 as computer engineering are young
people
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, below 35.
Secondly
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, more young citizens means more workforce. Young
people
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 can
work
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 harder and much longer than elderlies.
For example
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, I remember when I was a teenager, I could
work
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 with my laptop for almost 15 hours a day.
However
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, these days, I do not
haveenough
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have enough
 energy to
work
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 the same as before.
Lastly
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, young
people
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 can take care of old
people
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,
thus
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, old
people
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 will not suffer from loneliness. In conclusion, in many countries, the population of young adults are more than old individuals.
While
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 I understand the drawbacks of
this
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 situation, I believe the advantages outweigh the negative sides.

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task achievement
Try to ensure the essay maintains a balanced discussion before concluding the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Discuss the disadvantages more comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are well-placed, consider adding explicit topic sentences for each body paragraph to clearly signal to the reader what the paragraph will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be structured more smoothly. Make sure that each sentence flows logically from the previous one.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Specific examples are given to support ideas, such as the mention of Japan and Italy as potential countries facing an issue with an aging population.
task achievement
You have expressed clear and comprehensive ideas that align with the essay's prompt.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • innovation
  • social evolution
  • curricula
  • health care costs
  • pension systems
  • mentorship
  • generational imbalance
  • unemployment
  • job markets
  • tax burden
  • adoption
  • development
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