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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, older people who need employment have to complete with younger people. What problems do this cause, and what are the solutions?

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It is undeniable that a growing number of the elderly are faced with increasing
competition
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 from the youth in the workplace.
This
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 situation is causing challenges for both- the older and the younger workforce.
This
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 essay will explore the negative effects caused by
this
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 hot
competition
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 between the young and the old
job
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 seekers, and
then
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 present some suggestions to alleviate these potential problems.
This
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competition
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 among the young and the old
workers
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 can cause troubling effects on the senior
workers
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. They might find it daunting to keep up with the latest advancements in technology.
For example
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, in the manufacturing industry, the use of advanced machines is quite common. But, how to operate the equipment could be a tough challenge for older
workers
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,
whereas
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 it may be simple and easy for their younger counterparts.
Therefore
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, elderly
employees
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 might suffer both physically and psychologically, even if they secure reasonable
jobs
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.
Finally
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, if senior
employees
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 constitute the largest proportion of the company’s staff,
then
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, it could lead to a decline in productivity and efficiency of the enterprise.
On the other hand
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, the young graduates may
also
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 feel unmotivated and frustrated. Senior
job
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 candidates have rich experience and
therefore
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 they tend to outshine young adults. Young
employees
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 are relatively restricted in terms of work experience and communication skills, because of
this
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 some employers prefer to recruit older people with higher working efficiency rather than those who have just graduated from the university. Without a decent
job
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 and salary, it is extremely difficult for young people to make a living, and
as a consequence
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of
Change preposition
apply
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, some of them might resort to crime to fulfil their desires. These problems can certainly be solved. Considering the severity of
this
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 problem, it is imperative for the government to encourage self-employment for fresh graduates, so that the young people get employment, and the older
workers
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 are not laid off. Governments should encourage businesses to create more
jobs
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 for less experienced young
employees
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 who will
then
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 have the opportunity to accumulate experience.
Further
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, the governments should allocate more money to the pension system, which can basically guarantee the basic needs of most elders, so that they do not have to look for
jobs
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. At the individual level, the elderly should plan ahead for their retirement and enjoy their retired life,
instead
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 of competing for the limited
job
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 vacancies.
This
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 would be a win-win option both for the aged and the young.
To sum up
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,
competition
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 between both age groups for
jobs
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 will continue to be more intense, but some steps at the government and individual levels can help to lessen the severity of the situation.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to link your supporting points more clearly to the main argument to enhance logical flow. For example, when discussing the difficulties faced by older workers, explain more clearly how these issues directly relate to the competition with younger workers.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, giving examples of specific sectors where older workers might face significant challenges compared to younger workers would strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, addressing both problems and solutions effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-written and clearly frame the essay, providing a strong context for your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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