IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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Currently, some nations have a greater number of young
adults
 as compared to that of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
. In my view, I believe that indeed the advantages of
this
 state outweigh the drawbacks, as will be stated in
this
 essay. On the one hand, a
country
 with many young
adults
 has a bright future because they are
are
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
still full of energy and can continue to work for the
nation
. Many nations are full of wise and rich doctors, lawyers,
teachers
Correct word choice
and teachers
show examples
, just to mention a few. These brains put together will work to make a
nation
 great.
Further
Add a comma
Further,
show examples
this
 means that the
nation
 has fresh and energetic blood.
For example
, in Toronto, the percentage of young
adults
 was higher than that of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
, meaning that the
nation
 has a bright future.
Additionally
, the young
adults
 are still in the business of making babies. The
country
's next generation is still being built which is a good thing.
In addition
, when elders are few, a little sum of money is set aside for them as elderly
people
 are always sick and need
attention
Correct word choice
medical attention
show examples
medically
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. The fewer the elderly the better.
On the other hand
, when a
country
 has few older
people
, the cultures and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
customs are lost and forgotten. Young
people
 tend to be wild because there are a few
mento
Change to a plural noun
mentos
show examples
 or no mentos at all.
Furthermore
, a
nation
 with
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 elders has no proper guidance. In conclusion, nowadays countries have more younger
adults
 as compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
.
This
 is an advantage to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society because the more the younger
people
 the richer the
nation
 because they are full of young, fast blood and they can work and develop the
country
. They
also
 will create the next generation by making babies.
Finally
,
lesser
Correct word choice
fewer
show examples
 elders means
lesser
Correct word choice
fewer
show examples
 expenses because the old
people
 are always sick and will always need help health-wise.
Submitted by pncubeterera on

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task response
Try to provide more balanced arguments by dedicating equal attention to both advantages and disadvantages in the main body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single clear idea to maintain better coherence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, effectively outlining the main argument.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt directly and provides relevant examples to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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