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Band 5

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is the responsible of individuals to protect themselves. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #individuals
Although
 some are of the opinion that the
government
 ought to be accountable for deterring
crime
, others think that it is the duty of individuals to safeguard themselves. In my opinion, I consider that the state plays an essential role in preventing
crime
 from happening.On the one hand ,
according to
 some , the
government
 should be responsible for
crime
 prevention because they have the power to control the crimes and I agree with
this
 view.
In other words
, to avoid the numbers of crimes
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
law enforcement and
also
 they have the ability to do that.
For example
,In some countries the punishment for selling drugs
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a capital punishment.If any problem or bad thing
happened
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
 to
people
 the
government
only
Add a missing verb
is only
show examples
 the one who has the right to arrest and punishment for criminals.
Furthermore
, the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 job
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 protect the citizens and they are taking taxes from them . To explain
further
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 has enough ability to make security facilities to protect
people
 and come up with good systems to avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
.
On the other hand
 , it is claimed that the responsibility of the individual
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 protect themselves. One reason is that some of them live in suburban
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 and
government
 access is limited .
That is
 to say , they have to be
carful
Correct your spelling
careful
show examples
 because the states can not reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them everywhere .
For instance
 , in some countries exactly in
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
countryside
Add a comma
countryside,
show examples
people
make
Verb problem
form
show examples
 small
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 to save their village . Another reason is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can not protect them when they are inside their houses . they should be sure that they close their houses at night and when they are outside
that
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 can decrease the crimes .
To sum up
,
while
people
 may vary in their opinions , I think
government
 should be responsible for
crime
 prevention.
Submitted by qusai.max6 on

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task achievement
Your essay discusses both sides of the argument and presents a clear opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, there are some points where your arguments could be more developed and supported with more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that your ideas flow more smoothly by using a greater variety of cohesive devices and paragraph linking phrases. This will improve overall coherence and cohesion. Also, avoid repetition of points.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant, consider providing a more detailed conclusion to reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on reducing grammar and vocabulary inaccuracies which sometimes obscure meaning. This will enhance clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and sets up the discussion well.
task achievement
You have successfully presented both sides of the argument and have given your opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your writing shows a good attempt at developing a logical structure and providing an introduction and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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