IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Health services are a basic necessity. However, private companies have made them quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages?

#health #services #necessity #companies #individuals #care
Health
 Care is a fundamental need.
Although
 private enterprises have made it so expensive for normal
people
, I believe the advantages of private
health
services
 overcome their disadvantages. It can be explained by analyzing the differences in waiting time and
emergency
 attention from both public and private
services
. The waiting time has been increasing on public
health
services
as well as
 the number of
people
 needing
this
 service.
Therefore
 many
people
 have chosen to pay for private
services
. Despite the large number of customers, private
services
 are very effective and patients do not have to wait much in order to have any medical care. From my own experience, I have noticed how fast I get a specialist
health
 appointment by booking it from private
services
 rather than public ones, so I decided to keep my private subscription for the well-being of my family because is worth it. You never know when an
emergency
 will happen.
Hence
, if you were to have an
emergency
, you would like to have a good healthcare system. The public
health
 system is always crowded,
therefore
 its
emergency
 rooms are very busy too
due to
 the lack of professionals working for
this
 system.
On the other hand
, private
emergency
 rooms are so ready that
people
 often spend no more than ten minutes on the inn process, and after that, they are provided with an excellent first aid service.
As a result
,
people
 do not care about the money, rather they want to have a good medical service. In conclusion, it is essential to have good
health
services
 in order to keep you and your family healthy. Nowadays public
health
services
 are so incapable that I prefer to pay for private
services
 because its advantages are worth it.
Submitted by otiyog on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets the context well, but it could be more detailed. Try to include a brief outline of the main points you'll discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
While your argument is cohesive, the essay would benefit from more explicit signposting words to guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with slight redundancies in your language. For instance, 'booking it from private services' could simply be 'booking it privately.' This will help your writing sound more professional.
task achievement
Your use of personal experiences adds a compelling touch and makes your argument more convincing.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your argument clearly.
coherence cohesion
You've done well to structure your essay with clear, distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. This makes your argument easier to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cutting-edge technology
  • highly skilled professionals
  • patient experience
  • outcomes
  • personalized care
  • healthcare practitioners
  • competition
  • standards
  • government burden
  • public funds
  • prohibitively expensive
  • disparities
  • profitability
  • over-treatment
  • neglect
  • non-profitable cases
  • ethical concerns
  • financial status
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