IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that it is good to hare as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #hare #information #research #business #world
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People
Use synonyms
 have different views about whether extensive
information
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 in scientific research, finance, and the academic world should be shared for free or for a fee.
While
Linking Words
 some may argue that
such
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information
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 is too valuable to be shared freely, I believe that everyone has the right to access all
information
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 without cost to improve our community. On the one hand, some universities and academic institutions benefit financially from sharing
information
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, which allows them to enhance their teaching methods.
For example
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, they can hire new staff and recruit skilled teachers, making it easier to convey
information
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 and develop new methods to enhance learning.
However
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, some scientific
information
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 is too important, and tampering with it for financial gain is not advisable
due to
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 its high value.
On the other hand
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, not everyone can afford to pay for learning, as
people
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 are not all at the same financial level. By sharing
information
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 for free, we can foster improvement and potentially generate new knowledge through open-source collaboration, where
people
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 from different parts of the world share their ideas.
Moreover
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, some individuals may have hidden talents that can only be discovered through free education.
For instance
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, someone exceptionally gifted in math may only realize their potential if they have access to free learning resources, thereby allowing us to nurture new talent. In conclusion,
while
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 I understand why some
people
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 believe that
information
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 is too valuable to be shared freely, I think it is crucial for all individuals to benefit from freely available
information
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 to promote
overall
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 community development.
Submitted by ijaly4 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of presenting and discussing both views of the topic. However, make sure your arguments are evenly balanced. The argument supporting free sharing of information needs more development to be as convincing as the opposing view.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of transitional phrases and conjunctions to link ideas more seamlessly. This will make your essay flow better and help readers follow your arguments more easily.
task achievement
When presenting examples to support your points, try to provide more specific and detailed explanations. This will make your arguments more compelling and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant examples, such as the comparison of academic institutions that benefit financially and the scenario of a gifted math student. These add depth to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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