IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

“Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes” Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#“some #people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative #crimes”
As a matter of fact, it's necessary to tackle
with
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apply
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crimes in
a
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apply
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society in a preventive and effective way.
Therefore
 thinking deeply about it seems quite logical and guarantees more peace in our societies. Focusing on lengthening prison sentences doesn't ensure a better outcome, given that many criminals get even more obsessed and/or professional by being kept in prison for longer periods.
Obviously
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Obviously,
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 the more creative our solution is, the more satisfactory the results will be. So, considering the defects in our education systems and
weaknesses
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the weaknesses
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 of our social services, a wise alternative will be a more promising option. Compensation is still necessary though, in some cases, but generally speaking, a significant
percent
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percentage
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 of crimes
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that taken
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taken
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take
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 place, could
be
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have been
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 prevented if more comprehensive measures
would be
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were
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 taken into account. Some philosophers and researchers of social sciences believe that we could wrap up
this
 discussion by paying enough attention to 3 key factors of divine culture in every country all over the world and they are beauty, goodness and truth. These people think that nurturing people with these substantial elements could definitely lead to a more cultured and happier atmosphere in which everyone feels they are on the right track of personal development and becoming truly educated. In
such
 a community, there would always be at least a few alternatives to prison sentences available for the ones committing crimes in order to help them and make them aware of their valuable
potentials
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potential
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 to grow more and give them a nice feeling of taking part in good activities and sharing useful things as their offers to their society.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides an opinion, which is great. However, you could strengthen your argument by explicitly stating your opinion in a separate conclusion paragraph. This helps in clearly conveying your stance to the reader.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and flows logically from one to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from more relevant and specific examples to support your points. Providing concrete examples makes your argument more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Introduce a brief introduction stating the importance of the topic and your overall perspective. Likewise, a strong conclusion summarizing the key points and reasserting your opinion would enhance the overall structure.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by discussing both the potential drawbacks of longer prison sentences and the advantages of alternative methods.
task achievement
The essay reflects a thoughtful approach to crime prevention, emphasizing the significance of education and cultural values.
coherence cohesion
Your language is generally clear and you make some compelling points about alternatives to longer prison sentences.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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