IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

“Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes” Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#“some #people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative #crimes”
As a matter of fact, it's necessary to tackle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
crimes in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in a preventive and effective way.
Therefore
 thinking deeply about it seems quite logical and guarantees more peace in our societies. Focusing on lengthening prison sentences doesn't ensure a better outcome, given that many criminals get even more obsessed and/or professional by being kept in prison for longer periods.
Obviously
Add a comma
Obviously,
show examples
 the more creative our solution is, the more satisfactory the results will be. So, considering the defects in our education systems and
weaknesses
Correct article usage
the weaknesses
show examples
 of our social services, a wise alternative will be a more promising option. Compensation is still necessary though, in some cases, but generally speaking, a significant
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of crimes
Correct pronoun usage
that taken
show examples
taken
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
 place, could
be
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 prevented if more comprehensive measures
would be
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 taken into account. Some philosophers and researchers of social sciences believe that we could wrap up
this
 discussion by paying enough attention to 3 key factors of divine culture in every country all over the world and they are beauty, goodness and truth. These people think that nurturing people with these substantial elements could definitely lead to a more cultured and happier atmosphere in which everyone feels they are on the right track of personal development and becoming truly educated. In
such
 a community, there would always be at least a few alternatives to prison sentences available for the ones committing crimes in order to help them and make them aware of their valuable
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
 to grow more and give them a nice feeling of taking part in good activities and sharing useful things as their offers to their society.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides an opinion, which is great. However, you could strengthen your argument by explicitly stating your opinion in a separate conclusion paragraph. This helps in clearly conveying your stance to the reader.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and flows logically from one to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from more relevant and specific examples to support your points. Providing concrete examples makes your argument more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Introduce a brief introduction stating the importance of the topic and your overall perspective. Likewise, a strong conclusion summarizing the key points and reasserting your opinion would enhance the overall structure.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by discussing both the potential drawbacks of longer prison sentences and the advantages of alternative methods.
task achievement
The essay reflects a thoughtful approach to crime prevention, emphasizing the significance of education and cultural values.
coherence cohesion
Your language is generally clear and you make some compelling points about alternatives to longer prison sentences.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: