IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

F. Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#f #people #technology #companies #data #exchange #access #software #outweigh
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Yes, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages
in
Change preposition
of
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 providing
technology
 companies with personal
data
 in exchange for access to
services
of
Change preposition
apply
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online software because
people
 benefit from various
services
 available online and the risk of leaking personal
information
 is quite rare. Some
people
 point out the risk of leaking personal
information
 in creating their personal account when they use some online
services
. They argue that by risking personal
data
,
people
 might be involved in fraud and be annoyed by tenacious sales invitations.
For example
, whenever
people
 make online purchases, they are likely to receive lots of sales
information
 letters or messages later and
this
 is annoying for many
people
.
However
, the actual risk of fraud because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information
 leakage is quite rare for many
people
 and direct messages from shops are manageable online pages by customers.
On the other hand
, we benefit a lot from various kinds of
services
 in software online as the
technology
 has advanced in recent years, i.e. our lives have become far more enjoyable and much easier than before in exchange for risking personal
data
 provided to
technology
 companies.
For example
, we can manage bank accounts online, watch movies at home, purchase almost anything online, and even work at home without commuting and
while
 doing so, few of us experience any accidents caused by leakage of personal
data
 because there are usually enough security countermeasures no to leak customers’
information
 are obligated in
such
technology
 companies. In conclusion, the advantages of gaining easy access to many sorts of
services
 available from software online far outweigh the disadvantages of risking personal
information
.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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task achievement
Make sure to elaborate a bit more on the risks associated with providing personal data to technology companies to provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence by using more linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which well-summarizes the main points.
task achievement
Good use of relevant and specific examples to support the points made.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure observed in arguments, making the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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