IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays,international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, international tourism creates tension rather than understanding between people from different cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, a significant number of individuals travel from one country to another in order to enrich their knowledge about other cultures. It is commonly believed that travelling to other nations might cause disputes among
countries
Use synonyms
. I disagree with the statement to some extent.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, visiting other states rather than their own nation could be helpful to correct some false preconceptions. India and Pakistan,
for instance
Linking Words
, do have not a good relationship with each other, but when Indian
pilgrim
Fix the agreement mistake
pilgrims
show examples
 travel to their country especially Sikhs
then
Linking Words
 their way of treating them is really good which facilitates building strong relationships between the two nations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it aids in enriching knowledge about other society’s cultures.
As a result
Linking Words
, it leads to brotherhood between the two
countries
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, sometimes a lack of awareness about other country’s cultures causes disputes.
For example
Linking Words
, Iran has a culture of being well-dressed
while
Linking Words
 going outside;
however
Linking Words
, some tourists don't understand their culture because they don't have in-depth knowledge about it.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the relationship between these
countries
Use synonyms
 and Iran become more acrimonious.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most of the time religious activities
also
Linking Words
 weaken the relationship.
Such
Linking Words
 as, in Sikh Temples, they cover their head properly but if any traveller goes there without covering their head
then
Linking Words
 it means they disrespect Sikhism and it can cause War. In conclusion, I strongly believe that cross-border tourism is hugely advantageous for promoting peace;
however
Linking Words
, a lack of awareness of the visiting nation’s culture or religion can cause tensions between two
countries
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Consider elaborating on your ideas with more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, you could provide more examples of how tourism has fostered understanding or peace between other nations as well.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to use clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly address the main idea of the paragraph, which will help improve the logical flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your sentence structures are varied, ensure that your grammar and phrasing are correct to improve clarity. For instance, 'do have not' should be changed to 'do not have'.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses both sides of the argument, which is commendable and shows critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is overall clear, with separate paragraphs discussing different points, which aids in understanding.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: