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Band 4.5

While many advocate for the necessity of obtaining a higher education, others argue that it is not essential for success in today’s diverse job market. Discuss both views regarding the necessity of higher education and give your opinion.

#advocate #necessity #education #success #today’s #job #market
Recently, it
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 argued that
pursues
Wrong verb form
pursuing
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher
education
 is crucial,
while
 others believe that it relies
in
Change the preposition
on
upon
show examples
 today's diverse career
market
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 because of educational levels to success. I personally believe that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher
education
 will
occur
Verb problem
create
show examples
job
 opportunities, and
high-salaries
Correct your spelling
high salaries
show examples
,
however
, it is
also
due to
 the
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 of
job
Add an article
the job
show examples
market
. There are several reasons why people believe that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher
education
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 necessity.
First,
job
 opportunities are
predominant
Add an article
the predominant
show examples
 reason, which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 required a top class
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
educational level.
For example
,
doctor
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doctors
show examples
,
engineering
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engineers
show examples
, and
auditor
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auditors
show examples
are needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
extremely
Change the word
extreme
show examples
 academic
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
 to get
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the position.
Furthermore
, these jobs offer
high-salaries
Correct your spelling
high salaries
show examples
 to them, which supports them to improve their personal and professional living standards.
Consequently
, a
mojority
Correct your spelling
majority
 of people tend to chase a high ranking of knowledge. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, the
limatation
Correct your spelling
limitation
limitations
 of career
market
 spaces are
also
cosidered
Correct your spelling
considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a crucial part to be
successed
Correct your spelling
success
.
Unemployments
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Unemployment
show examples
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increasing recently
due to
 the population
rose
Wrong verb form
rising
show examples
 dramatically.
As a result
, numerous companies are not required to recruit new
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 in their firms because they already have permanent employees to respond
on
Change preposition
to
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 their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
,
eventhrough
Correct your spelling
even
,
they
Correct word choice
though they
show examples
 have a higher knowledge background applying for positions.
For instance
, IT positions in Australia
are
Wrong verb form
have had
show examples
 high
demands
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demand
show examples
 since
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 decade but these days, there are no more recruited because they are already
completed
Change preposition
in complete
show examples
demands
Fix the agreement mistake
demand
show examples
. In conclusion,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
higher
education
 is essential to obtain, which will
provides
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
 a few benefits
such
 as
job
 placements, and a high income to improve
standard
Correct article usage
the standard
show examples
living
Change preposition
of living
show examples
,
nevertheless
, there are
also
 because of jobs
market
 space. I strongly believe a higher
education
 and
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
market
 are
necessery
Correct your spelling
necessary
 needed to be successful.
Submitted by Date on

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task achievement
Your essay should have a clearer introduction that succinctly outlines the two views and your opinion. Your current introduction lacks clarity and appears a bit confused.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and relevant examples to support your points. For instance, explain how specific degrees directly lead to higher job opportunities and how market limitations affect employment.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and that your supporting sentences directly relate to that idea. This will improve the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Refine the conclusion to better summarize your main points and restate your opinion more clearly.
task achievement
You address both sides of the argument, which is essential for this task.
task achievement
The essay mentions specific job fields, making your points more concrete.
coherence cohesion
There is an attempt to discuss sociological trends, such as increasing unemployment, which adds depth to your argument.
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