IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some believe that all individuals who break the law should be placed in prison as a form of punishment However, others hold the view that there are more effective alternatives to deal with lawbreakers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#believe #individuals #law #prison #form #punishment #alternatives #lawbreakers
It is a heated argument around the world whether culprits stay behind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bars or not when they break
on
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apply
show examples
the
law
, Some believe that criminals should be jailed,
to
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in
show examples
 prison,
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
show examples
,
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apply
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 others say that there are more ways to handle them.
This
 essay discusses both
view pointe
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
 and I strongly agree with the latter opinion. On the one hand,
law breakers
Correct your spelling
lawbreakers
show examples
 should sent to imprisonment because prison is a rehabilitation
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of they have a chance to rectify their mistakes.
This
 means. they should feel guilty
of
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about
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 what they did in jail,
besides
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apply
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they do
more
Correct pronoun usage
it more
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 frequently.
For example
, taking from
Correct article usage
a criminal's
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criminal's
Change noun form
criminal
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community
, and
send
Wrong verb form
sent
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 to prison, normal people might live peaceful lives without inmates Surrounding and
threating
Correct your spelling
threatening
 to individuals. Needless to say, culprits should be jailed, and they should realise what they did.
Conversely
, there are some effective ways to handle
law breakers
Correct your spelling
lawbreakers
show examples
, namely counselling, social
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 and fines;
there
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they
show examples
 are considered
to
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apply
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what crime they committed.
This
 helps to realise their mistake when they do
community
works
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work
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coupled with
serve
Replace the word
serving
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 nations
to
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apply
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freely in order
to
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for
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 the government will finish their work free of cost workforce.
For instance
,
traffic
Correct article usage
a traffic
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law
 break
is
Verb problem
does
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 not need to
Add a missing verb
be sent
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sent
Verb problem
apply
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jail
Fix the infinitive
to jail
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, they should pay some fine to the ruling party, and
as a result
,
high
Correct article usage
the high
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 cost of
hefty
Add an article
the hefty
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 amount they cannot
carry
Verb problem
make
show examples
 any mistakes their whole life.
Hence
, there are
the
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apply
show examples
constructive methods of
punishments
Fix the agreement mistake
punishment
show examples
 that
diminishing
Wrong verb form
diminish
show examples
 illegal activities. In conclusion,
although
 staying behind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bars
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
criminals have a chance to realise their mistakes, punishments of fines and
community
 work
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be effective strategies
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 reducing crimes.
However
, from my perspective, providing
community
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and fines are the constructive methods of
this
 trend.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction provides a clearer background and purpose of the essay. Summarize both opinions accurately.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more logically and coherently. Each paragraph should focus on one main point, and transitions between paragraphs need enhancement.
task achievement
Elaborate your points more clearly. Use specific examples and more details to support your argument and make your ideas more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Proofread for grammatical and lexical errors. This will improve your clarity and overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses both viewpoints and provides a personal opinion, fulfilling the task requirement.
task achievement
Some relevant specific examples have been provided to support the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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