IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearence
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals believe that to be successful, it is essential to
work
Use synonyms
 hard with high willpower.
However
Linking Words
, others think that other components,
such
Linking Words
 as
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in
success
Use synonyms
 in life.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 may influence
success
Use synonyms
, they are not permanent and crucial compared with hard
work
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore several reasons to support
this
Linking Words
 perspective.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 are significant factors on the path to
success
Use synonyms
. A rich person can easily afford specific needs that require
money
Use synonyms
 for
success
Use synonyms
.
Likewise
Linking Words
,
appearance
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 used to achieve some personal interests. A beautiful lady,
for example
Linking Words
, can be a female model easily if she has a nice
appearance
Use synonyms
 enough.
However
Linking Words
, both
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 are not permanent elements, and there are always risks for individuals to lose them.
Thus
Linking Words
, I agree that these factors are not the most important way to be successful.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, I firmly regard hard
work
Use synonyms
 as the most effective and lasting to achieve something noteworthy in life. Many things in life need effort, and it requires a determination that comes from our will;
therefore
Linking Words
, it is valuable for me.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 effort has a lasting effect that teaches us some insights, so
success
Use synonyms
 through hard
work
Use synonyms
 is more crucial and influential.
For instance
Linking Words
, many businessmen come from economically disadvantaged areas and eventually receive high salaries through working hard. In conclusion,
Although
Linking Words
 many consider
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 as a key element for
success
Use synonyms
, I acknowledge that hard
work
Use synonyms
 and determination are more influential with lasting impact
while
Linking Words
appearance
Use synonyms
 and
money
Use synonyms
 are changeable phenomenons with less teach to a person.
Instead
Linking Words
, I recommend hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 which contributes to a person's capacity prevailing.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Strengthen your main points about hard work and determination with more specific and diverse examples. This will make your argument more comprehensive and compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and connects smoothly with the others. This will improve the overall flow and readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Expand your conclusion slightly to better reinforce and synthesize your main arguments. This can leave a stronger impact on the reader.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion, which adds to the overall coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with relevant examples, which strengthens the task response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is well-maintained, allowing the reader to follow your argument easily.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: