One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvatages?

There is no denying the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
care
is developing every year.
While
it is a commonly held belief that
people
are living longer and,
life
expectancy is growing. In my opinion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
consider that it is a good thing to see our medical
care
improving and saving the patients.
To begin
with, good health
care
,
longer
Correct word choice
and longer
show examples
life
.
In other words
, since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
care
is improving
that
is mean
Wrong verb form
means
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health problems will decrease
approximately
Change preposition
by approximately
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of it.
In addition
, lack of diseases.
For example
, one of the features of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
care
improvement
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
it is possible to cure the illness
fester
Correct your spelling
faster
show examples
and easily. Another point to consider, more population. It is possible to say that
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
life
can lead to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more children and expand the family and that can
also
help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
care
to develop
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
if the children were interested in
medicin
Correct your spelling
medicine
or science all the causes can
held
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
the medical career.
Moreover
, creating
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new jobs,
for instance
, longer
life
can cause unemployment and, to avoid it
people
need
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
jobs and some of them can be more creative and create a new job which can provide
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
the
Add the preposition
with the
show examples
financial
stabillity
Correct your spelling
stability
and,
also
if his project needs employees he can hire some
people
and that can
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
with reduce unemployment. In conclusion, despite
people
having different views, I believe that there is no disadvantage
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
care
improvement it can help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nations and puts hope in the hearts of suffering families.
Submitted by alaa5942005 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Try to better structure your ideas into clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a main idea that connects back to your thesis.
support
Work on developing your ideas more fully. Explain each point in further detail and use relevant examples to support your arguments.
clarity
Pay attention to grammatical structures and proofread your work to eliminate small mistakes. This will improve the clarity of your points.
task
The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to address the topic and provides several reasons supporting the advantages of improved medical care.
structure
There is a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: