IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People talk about their money (how much they earn/how much they spend) in their daily lives. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #money #lives #development
There is no doubt that in the more sophisticated world
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 we live
today
Add a comma
today,
show examples
 wealth plays a vital role in many
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
That more
Correct determiner usage
More
show examples
 and more
people
 tend to talk about their salaries, wages and how much
money
 they earn and spend much fortune
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 various sorts of goods
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 daily basis . In the following paragraphs , the
drowback
Correct your spelling
drawback
 of
this
 issue has been discussed and
final
Correct article usage
a final
show examples
 opinion is reached at the end One of many reasons is that today,in the more contemporary world
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 we live today
money
 can dominate humans ,
people
 can do anything to earn
money
, and everything can be solved by
money
.
Moreover
 to create
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 future
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
generateions
Correct your spelling
generations
generation
 demand a lot of fortune
for instance
 to study
Change preposition
at the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 university which is more developed and
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 curriculum is one of the best
requires
Correct word choice
and requires
show examples
 much wealth to pay their tuition fee .
In addition
, nowadays in our societies, it determines individual status so
people
 will respect the
people
 who have a high salary and the rich
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
wear
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
luxury.
In contrast
, poor
people
 do not have that respect
instead
 .
That is
 the reason
people
 talk more about
money
 these days. In my point of view , I think
this
 is a negative trend. If humans are measured by the sum of cash they own, it will have bad consequences on our character
such
 as they do not care about good manners and just concentrate on material things .
Moreover
, relationships and friendships will diminish because
instead
 of asking about the health of families or friends, they
only
Add a missing verb
are only
show examples
 interested in his or her career and the salaries.The result is that
people
 feel isolated and have no sense that they
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have real friends.
Submitted by chartakinnovation on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers the main points of the task, but it lacks specific examples to illustrate your arguments. Including concrete examples would strengthen your response.
task achievement
You should work on clarifying and refining your ideas and arguments. Some of your points can be more clear and logically linked.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrases, such as "in the more sophisticated world which we live today." This will improve the overall clarity and flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are more distinct and clear. They should effectively summarize and wrap up your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt clearly and attempts to explain the reasons why people talk about money and the impact of this practice.
coherence cohesion
You have maintained a clear structure, attempting to divide your essay into distinct paragraphs with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
You have effectively identified some potential negative impacts of people constantly talking about money, showing an understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: