People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some people
believed
that Individuals who develop illnesses Wrong verb form
believe
as a result
of unhealthy lifestyles and poor dietary habits should be subject to increased healthcare costs. Personally, I completely disagree with this
view as the root causes do not actually originate from themselves.
I think that people who has
disease do not necessarily be charged more as Change the verb form
have
current
fast-paced have led to individuals adjusting their ways of living to their tight schedules. As a Correct article usage
the current
results
, most of them cannot afford nutritious meals or rigorous exercise. Correct the article-noun agreement
result
For example
, when modern office workers become overwhelmed by their heavy workloads and are left with no choice but leading
a sedentary lifestyle. Or mothers have to take care of children and work simultaneously Change the verb form
to lead
also
an instance. Playing juggling dual roles means sacrificing sleep, leisure time and workout
for childcare, household errands and financial responsibilities. It is Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
therefore
unfair to put people under financial constraints due to
their undesired lifestyles.
Furthemore
, processed food Correct your spelling
Furthermore
affects as
a reason for some Verb problem
is
of
Change preposition
apply
Add an article
the sickness
sickness
. How processed food affects our diets casts Fix the agreement mistake
sicknesses
further
light on the argument. artificial coloring
and Change the spelling
colouring
flavoring
have long been driving the profits of the food processing industry. These chemicals add to the appeal of foods and beverages, extend their expiry dates and lower manufacture costs as compared to using natural ingredients. Change the spelling
flavouring
And these
Correct word choice
These
not
good for health, it doesn't really show a specific effect, but using Add a missing verb
are not
for
a long time can lead to illness. Correct pronoun usage
them for
This
may be refuted by some who promote organic products as healthier alternatives. However
, noteworthy is the fact that organic goods are yet to be widely available in many places, and they are usually prohibitive for those with average and low incomes for daily consumption.
In summary, I am opposed to punishing those accused of leading unhealthy lifestyles and having poor diets with expensive medical payments. This
is simply because few of us have the freedom to live as we desire.Submitted by ieltsamiedu on
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coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence and cohesion by ensuring a smooth flow between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases more effectively to link ideas.
task achievement
Be more precise with your vocabulary and grammar to avoid any ambiguity. For example, 'people believed' should be 'people believe' and 'people who has disease' should be 'people who have diseases'.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. For instance, cite specific studies or statistics related to unhealthy lifestyles and healthcare costs.
task achievement
Clear position is presented and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes well.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically structured and support the central argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example