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Band 5

With growing population in the cities, more and more people live in hones with little and no outdoors space. Do you think this is a position or negative development?

#population #cities #people #hones #space #position #development
These days, we have a lot of migration from where rural areas;
as a result
, most of the people have to live in homes with little and no outdoor space. In my opinion, the fact that living in the houses are negative development is clear
due to
 the fact
children
 cannot play, and plants can help us to feel better. On the one hand,
children
 need places to play their games because most of the
time
 parents who are employees do not have
a
Change the article
apply
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time
 to go to the park with their
children
;
moreover
, in
apartments
Add a comma
apartments,
show examples
 kids cannot play games which need not only running but
also
 moving fast;
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
children
 after many
time
 will
be get
Change the verb form
get
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 ill;
however
, a big vegetations area next to the houses helps
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
children
 to become motivation and healthier.
For example
, today, we can see
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
children
 having obesity are increasing in metropolises
for
this
 reason.
On the other hand
, most of the society who live in flats are sick because neither do they use fresh air nor
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spend
time
 in nature;
nevertheless
, when
this
 kind of
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
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go
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goes
show examples
 to the environment for a long
time
 they prefer to leave our districts for living in
region
Add an article
the region
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. To illustrate, most of the communications, who are
retiremens
Correct your spelling
retirement
retirements
 or living with their
children
,
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
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 in
outskirts
Correct article usage
the outskirts
show examples
instead
 of the hostel and bustle areas. In conclusion, living in the cities
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a lot of merits;
although
, humans need places which are green to feel good and reduce their issues.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Provide clearer and more detailed examples to support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Work on coherent transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph clearly connects to the main argument and contributes to your stance on the topic.
introduction conclusion present
The essay introduced the topic effectively and provided a clear stance.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion summarizes the main points and reiterates the stance well.
supported main points
You have identified relevant issues related to the lack of outdoor space in cities, such as children's health and the need for nature.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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