IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cites and town, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve this situation?

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In the era of globalization, the best occupation opportunities can be obtained in the town and centres.
Therefore
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, a diverse range of individuals are moving there and leaving the
countryside
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.
In other words
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, Only old
people
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 will stay there to take care of these
areas
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. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on the impact of
this
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 issue, and what we can do to solve
this
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 method.
To begin
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 with, the
people
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 in the
countryside
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 are keen on the new generation. They believe that they are the future, and with them, they can enhance the place.
However
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, they are frustrated when they know that someone will forsake them.
This
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 can affect their health.
Moreover
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, they are convinced that the
countryside
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 is their basis and identity.
This
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 means the culture and roots will be demolished.
For instance
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, In Tunisia, young citizens left the country and migrated to Europe.
Thus
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, the landscapes and agriculture in these
areas
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 were ruined ,
as a result
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 of no one caring about them. One possible solution would be, ameliorating the
countryside
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 and providing more jobs to alleviate the moving to cities.
In addition
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, individuals should balance between working outside and living in their homes.
For instance
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, In Egypt, the government raised the wages
,
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apply
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 and imposed incentives to the
people
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 who are working in these
areas
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.
This
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 assisted
people
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 in enhancing many
areas
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. Their family are delighted and they are taking care of them. In conclusion, our peers and place need us. We should not surrender to temptations from other places.
Hence
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, we can preserve our basis and we can raise our area and make it better.

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general
Your essay addresses the topic well, but there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and articulation. In the introduction, rephrase 'best occupation opportunities can be obtained in the town and centres' to 'best job opportunities are found in cities and urban centers'. Additionally, refine sentences to eliminate redundancy such as 'elaborate on the impact of this issue, and what we can do to solve this method' to 'discuss the impacts of this issue and potential solutions.'
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly within each paragraph. Maybe use more connectors to show the relationship between your ideas and examples. Consider rewriting the first point in paragraph two to: ‘The countryside relies heavily on the youth for growth and development. Without young people, elderly residents may feel abandoned and face deteriorating health outcomes.’ This rephrasing makes the idea clearer and adds logical flow.
task achievement
For better task achievement, provide more detailed solutions or elaborate more on the solutions you have provided. For instance, mentioning 'ameliorating the countryside and providing more jobs' could be expanded to ‘developing infrastructure, increasing job training programs, and offering grants for businesses in rural areas can create more employment opportunities.' This gives a clearer picture of what specific actions can be taken.
task response
You have a strong grasp of the issue and your essay is relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, and they effectively frame your essay.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, such as the situation in Tunisia and Egypt, which help to illustrate your points.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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