IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
In
this
 technological era,
kids
 change their behaviour towards utilization of their free
time
. I believe that Its disadvantages overlap with Its advantages which as tech gadgets are addictive and
kids
 lose their physical abilities to play various
sports
. To commence with the merits, nowadays,
kids
use
 their free
time
 to relax their minds
as well as
 play some video games with their friends. To explain, after relaxing their mind they are more focused towards studies and project work.
Hence
,
while
 using technology they can get
along with
 their studies and
use
 It for their benefit. Shifting towards the demerits,
Firstly
, applications and website companies design their products In a way that attracts more and more children to
use
 them in their daily routines.
Secondly
, the majority of the organizations build their platform to attract the child and make them addicted towards their application.
For Instance
, India banned the TikTok app back In 2020 because It made Indian children more addicted and many school students are mentally sick.
Furthermore
, another disadvantage of
this
 notion is that
kids
 tend to spend more
time
 on the internet,
due to
 which they are not able to play physical
sports
. To explicate,
while
 using various apps and games they are not given enough
time
 to play
sports
such
 as cricket, football and volleyball. Eventually, their physical strength gets weaker.
For example
, a survey conducted by The University Of California indicates that 77% of school students do not want to play
sports
 at school
instead
 they want to play online games with their friends.
To conclude
,
although
this
 approach might lead to relaxing their minds or spending
time
 with friends online yet, the
use
 of technology makes
kids
 addicted and has a huge impact on their physical strength.
Submitted by birenp046 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider developing your ideas more fully with detailed explanations and examples. For instance, explain more about how video games can help children relax and focus better on their studies.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using transition words or phrases can help improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repeating information. For instance, instead of mentioning addiction multiple times, focus on varying the points you want to support.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples, such as the banning of TikTok in India, which help illustrate your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: