IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that young people bring more profit to the company. Others says that older people actually bring more profits. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #profit #company #profits
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals argue that young employees can achieve more benefits for the
company
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
,
others
Use synonyms
 think that
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 workers
able
Add a missing verb
are able
show examples
 to realize the nature of the job more than newer which helps to achieve
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
show examples
company
Use synonyms
 better.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both sides of view
with
Change preposition
while
show examples
 adding my personal opinion. People believe that
youn
Correct your spelling
young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
have the ability to do what older can not when they work. To clarify, the power and health of any person can affect
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
job performance.
Thus
Linking Words
 workers ' 41
years
Use synonyms
' are more active, so they work
hard
Rephrase
harder
show examples
 than
others
Use synonyms
. A prime example,
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 2013 , when
header
Add an article
the header
show examples
 of
HYS
Correct article usage
the HYS
show examples
campany
Correct your spelling
company
 ' 65
years
Use synonyms
 old' stopped working because of his sickness, the new manager '40
years
Use synonyms
 old'
Add a missing verb
was abled
show examples
abled
Correct your spelling
able
show examples
 to achieve
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
huge profits in a short period.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
others
Use synonyms
 think older
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 have better skills, experience, and knowledge which can play a prime factor
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
rise
Verb problem
increasing
show examples
 the
company
Use synonyms
 benefits. Despite
this
Linking Words
, young staff can learn from older people
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 complete what they did
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 adding
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern sciences and technology
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the method.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2020,
leader
Correct article usage
the leader
show examples
 of the MYS '70
years
Use synonyms
 old'
transfer
Wrong verb form
transferred
show examples
 his position to his son after he recognised that the
company
Use synonyms
will falling
Wrong verb form
would fall
show examples
 off.
To conclude
Linking Words
, some may say that old people know
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 secret date of the
company
Use synonyms
 which is
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
 to
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 it,
others
Use synonyms
 think that
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 CORRECT YOUR SPELLING younger The word youngers doesn’t seem to fit
this
Linking Words
 context. Consider replacing it with a different one. show examples can do better by learning from former workers and progressing it. I completely agree with the
last
Linking Words
 view.
Submitted by hasnaalbrashdi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on providing more concrete examples to support your points. The examples given are good, but more detail could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, it would benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states both views and indicates that you will include your opinion, setting up a well-rounded discussion.
relevant specific examples
Effective use of specific examples to back up your points, making your argument more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Adaptable
  • Innovations
  • Breakthroughs
  • Deep industry knowledge
  • Mentors
  • Fostering
  • Workforce balance
  • Maximizing profits
  • Enthusiasm
  • Wisdom
What to do next:
Look at other essays: