IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their happiness, while others argue that it is related to factors from personal life. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #individuals #happiness #factors #life
Happiness
 plays the most crucial role in everybody's life, where many
people
 believe that intrinsic qualities of human beings breed bliss,
while
 others argue that various external elements influence the state.
Nevertheless
, I agree with the latter opinion, owing to the significant impact of
such
 factors on personalities. On the one hand, individuals bear the responsibility of incorporating
happiness
 into their lives.
In other words
,
happiness
 is not gained,
instead
,
people
 should seek it by altering their perspectives, in a manner, that provides them
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
state of cheerfulness. In several circumstances,
for instance
, drought, where the surrounding environment cannot be supplanted, being thankful and grateful for whatever has been attained does induce contentment;
whereas
, very often even the rich members of the society, despite being laden with money, do not appear to be contended, simply because they may not ever settle for anything being achieved.
Hence
, the degree of
happiness
 solely depends on how
people
 view their lives and to how much extent they feel contended with their possessions
On the other hand
, external forces have an influential role in the joviality of
people
. To elaborate on
this
, not only does physical health hugely affect lifestyles, but
also
 mental well-being is of the utmost importance in promoting cheerfulness.
For example
, in spite of being wealthy, there are numerous illnesses,
such
 as genetically transmitted diseases, that cannot be treated with money, beget gloominess in
such
people
 as they cannot attain sustainable lifestyles.
Thus
,
happiness
 alters substantially
due to
 the overwhelming participation of personal units comprising health and education. To encapsulate, it can be concluded that even though, the virtue of gratefulness sources
happiness
, which can be attributed to
people
's persona, numerous other factors, among which health has a pivotal role, dominates over
people
's mood state relatively more.
Submitted by hadia.iftikhar126 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clear comprehensive ideas
Increase the clarity of ideas throughout the essay. Some sentences are overly complex, which makes it harder for the reader to grasp your points. Simpler sentence structures can help improve clarity.
logical structure
Integrate linking words and phrases more smoothly to improve the cohesiveness of your essay. This will help make transitions between ideas clearer and the overall flow more natural.
complete response
You provided a well-balanced discussion of both sides of the argument, which effectively addresses the task prompt.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, helping to frame your essay well.
relevant specific examples
The examples you used are relevant and support your points effectively, which strengthens your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: