IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government should provide assistance to all kinds of artists including painters, musicians, poets. However, other people think that is a waste of money for providing this assistance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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The past 20 years have witnessed the issue of
government
Use synonyms
 funding
addresses
Correct subject-verb agreement
address
show examples
 the public's attention. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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 financial funding should be put on artists by the governments,
whereas
Linking Words
 many others believe that they should not put
those money
Change the determiner
that money
show examples
 on artists, which leads to wasting money. Before giving my opinion, let’s analyze the thoughts of both sides. The supporters of investing in the
arts
Use synonyms
 argue that it can help locals develop the ability
of admiring
Replace the preposition
to admire
show examples
 beauty. Recent studies indicate that
arts
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 can release
people
Use synonyms
’s stress.
For example
Linking Words
, those who go to museums and art exhibitions can feel relaxed.
Therefore
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, there is no doubt that the
government
Use synonyms
 should fund money
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
arts
Use synonyms
,
and
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 it gives
people
Use synonyms
 areas to de-stress their pressure.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
arts
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 carry the culture of a country.
For instance
Linking Words
, China has special draws which reflect contemporary customs.
As a result
Linking Words
, it is possible for the
government
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 to invest in the
arts
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 because it is convenient for
people
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 to understand culture.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others are strong advocates of refusing funding
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
arts
Use synonyms
, which means that there are other important things that should be financed by governments,
such
Linking Words
 as
education
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 and health care. There is sufficient evidence to show that
education
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 can cultivate
people
Use synonyms
’s talents.
For instance
Linking Words
, those countries which have good
education
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 for
people
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, and
people
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 would receive very well paid in the future.
By contrast
Linking Words
, those who don't acquire excellent
education
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,
people
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 universally work with
low level
Add a hyphen
low-level
show examples
 jobs.
As a consequence
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, the
government
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 should fund
people
Use synonyms
's
education
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. In conclusion, both arguments have their merits. Personally, the
government
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 should pay more attention to
education
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 and give financial support on
this
Linking Words
 aspect
although
Linking Words
 the
arts
Use synonyms
 can adjust our mood and comprehend culture.

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coherence cohesion
Focus on refining the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be improved by using clearer topic sentences and linking phrases.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments. This will help to strengthen your points and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
Clarify your arguments further to ensure ideas are communicated clearly and comprehensively. Avoid vague statements and ensure each point is fully explained.
introduction conclusion present
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame the discussion effectively.
complete response
There is a balanced discussion of both views, showing an understanding of the topic from different perspectives.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay attempts to address all parts of the prompt and provides a personal opinion in the conclusion.
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