Some people think that the government should provide assistance to all kinds of artists including painters, musicians, poets. However, other people think that is a waste of money for providing this assistance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The past 20 years have witnessed the issue of
government
funding
addresses
Correct subject-verb agreement
address
show examples
the public's attention. Some
people
argue that
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
financial funding should be put on artists by the governments,
whereas
many others believe that they should not put
those money
Change the determiner
that money
show examples
on artists, which leads to wasting money. Before giving my opinion, let’s analyze the thoughts of both sides. The supporters of investing in the
arts
argue that it can help locals develop the ability
of admiring
Replace the preposition
to admire
show examples
beauty. Recent studies indicate that
arts
can release
people
’s stress.
For example
, those who go to museums and art exhibitions can feel relaxed.
Therefore
, there is no doubt that the
government
should fund money
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
arts
,
and
Correct word choice
as
show examples
it gives
people
areas to de-stress their pressure.
Additionally
,
arts
carry the culture of a country.
For instance
, China has special draws which reflect contemporary customs.
As a result
, it is possible for the
government
to invest in the
arts
because it is convenient for
people
to understand culture.
On the other hand
, others are strong advocates of refusing funding
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
arts
, which means that there are other important things that should be financed by governments,
such
as
education
and health care. There is sufficient evidence to show that
education
can cultivate
people
’s talents.
For instance
, those countries which have good
education
for
people
, and
people
would receive very well paid in the future.
By contrast
, those who don't acquire excellent
education
,
people
universally work with
low level
Add a hyphen
low-level
show examples
jobs.
As a consequence
, the
government
should fund
people
's
education
. In conclusion, both arguments have their merits. Personally, the
government
should pay more attention to
education
and give financial support on
this
aspect
although
the
arts
can adjust our mood and comprehend culture.
Submitted by jenny.luo000111 on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on refining the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be improved by using clearer topic sentences and linking phrases.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments. This will help to strengthen your points and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
Clarify your arguments further to ensure ideas are communicated clearly and comprehensively. Avoid vague statements and ensure each point is fully explained.
introduction conclusion present
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame the discussion effectively.
complete response
There is a balanced discussion of both views, showing an understanding of the topic from different perspectives.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay attempts to address all parts of the prompt and provides a personal opinion in the conclusion.
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