IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In their advertising businesses nowadays usually emphasize that their products are new in some way. Why is this, do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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It is widely argued that through advertising, companies often give importance to their
products
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 that are newly manufactured in the current competitive era.
This
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 is
due to
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 enhancing their profit and making the
brand
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 image look better. In my view, I strongly believe that
this
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 is a negative development because it will reduce the
sales
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 from local vendors who are selling their own
products
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.
To begin
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 with, there are some potential reasons why
this
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 is happening.
Firstly
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, corporations may depend highly on making and generating profits.
This
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 is because if the
products
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 show some effective result through advertising on social media, chances are people will highly consume those items, which ultimately produces more revenue.
Moreover
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, some
businesses
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 highly value their
brand
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 image because of the quality they deliver. Not only do they get orders from national clients but
also
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 from around the globe.
Thus
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, increasing the opportunity to upsurge their
sales
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 and their
brand
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 name. Take the CR7
brand
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,
for instance
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; more people are willing to splurge their money in order to get the Cristiano Ronaldo perfume,
according to
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 some international resources.
On the other hand
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, the key reason why I believe
this
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 is a negative development is because it overshadows local vendors and reduces their
sales
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. A key point to notice is that
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due to
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apply
show examples
heavy
sales
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 traffic to
businesses
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 that are well established with the help of various social media streams, may
also
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 raise a negative impact on street vendors, which,
as a result
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, increases their unemployment rate.
For example
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, if more people rely on new
brand
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products
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, more local
businesses
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 are closing
due to
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 minimum
sales
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 and generating less profit.
To conclude
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, even though
businesses
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 put emphasis on their
products
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 which are new to the market with the help of advertising,
this
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 could benefit the industry by generating more profit and creating a
brand
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 name. I believe that it could have negative consequences on local
businesses
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, causing them to shut down their markets.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using transition words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present and generally effective, the introduction could be improved by stating the writer's position more clearly and cohesively. The conclusion should synthesize the main points more succinctly.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported, but more specific examples or data could further strengthen your arguments. Providing more concrete evidence can give your essay more depth and persuasiveness.
task achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses every part of the prompt. In this essay, a more thorough discussion of why this emphasis is happening and the broader implications would offer a more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, but they could be further developed for a higher score. Ensure each point is explored in detail, with clear links to the main topic.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. Although some examples were provided, more varied examples would improve the essay's relevance and impact.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear argument and follows a logical structure that is easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively bookend the main points of the essay, providing a clear start and finish.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported with relevant examples, though there is room for improvement here.
task achievement
The response addresses the prompt well and covers both parts of the question.
task achievement
Ideas are presented clearly and with a degree of thoroughness, making the argument easy to follow.
task achievement
The usage of a well-known brand example (CR7) helps in illustrating the point effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Innovation
  • Fast-paced
  • Distinguishing
  • Psychological aspect
  • Inherently
  • Perceived
  • Continuous improvement
  • Revolutionary
  • Feasible
  • Throwaway culture
  • Undervalue
  • Longevity
  • Obscure
  • Novelty
  • Unsatisfactory
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