IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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It is encouraged in some cultures to convince their children that they can reach their desired level of success if they commit to anything as much as they can.
This
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 approach creates resilient individuals in society, but it can decrease the child-like spirit in some. Working hard is a virtue
that is
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 admired in adulthood and in the workspace, where the brightest individuals who can
further
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 the efficiency of a company are readily sought after.
Therefore
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, a culture that convinces the younger generations to strive for success and achieve the goals that they set for themselves will do much better at the individual level.
For example
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, reformations of the educational institutions in some foreign countries,
such
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 as China, have allowed them to compete their economy with those around the world.
Moreover
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, Chinese students have become some of the most intelligent and actively employed people in many sectors and fields of work.
Thus
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, the mindset given to them at a young age has allowed for greater levels of rewards in later life.
Conversely
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, there are downsides to
this
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 since driving children to work hard and focus entirely on merit can dwindle their natural development.
This
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 is emphasised by the effects that are perceived on Olympic athletes who began their training in their youth.
For instance
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, it has been gathered that most of these types of performers do not go on to lead healthy lives and have high levels of adulthood issues,
such
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 as unemployment and dissatisfaction with failure.
This
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 is mostly because of the increased amount of drive that they have placed on their careers.
As a result
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, they become less healthy and unable to deal with emotional issues. In conclusion, children can be taught and influenced by the lesson of working to create success to satisfy their desires, but one should be aware of the long-term effects whilst considering the benefits
this
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 has.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-structured and logical, the introduction could be more engaging. Consider adding a hook or a more detailed explanation of the context to better capture the reader's interest.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the reference to China's education reforms and Olympic athletes. However, these examples could be more specific and detailed to strengthen the argument further.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph transitions smoothly. Although the essay flows well overall, some transitional phrases could help in making the connection between ideas even clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of the given statement, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help illustrate the main points effectively.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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