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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
In recent years, some
people
 have been discussing whether governments need to ban dangerous
sports
 or not, arguing
people
 should have the freedom to do any
sports
 or
activity
. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will debate and explain my opinion about
this
 topic. On the one hand, participating in dangerous
sports
 leads to several problems.
Firstly
, dangerous
sports
 give many
people
 exhilaration and an adrenaline rush, they cannot realise what they are doing or even what situation they fell into.
As a result
, many
people
 who are interested in dangerous activities suffer from serious health problems and even pass away
due to
this
activity
.
For example
,
according to
 a recent survey, dead
people
 account for 10 per cent
due to
 dangerous
activity
 among all reasons of death.
On the other hand
, dangerous
sports
 are safe when
people
 use intricate equipment
such
 as breathing equipment, helmets and oxygen tanks, which prevent
people
 from serious issues.
Secondly
, when many
people
 do any
sports
 or
activity
 they usually do
this
 with experts in
this
 field, which is unlikely to fall into dangerous circumstances.
Additionally
, by participating in challenges,
such
 as outdoor
sports
, they can resolve their own stress, which makes them more healthy.
For instance
, research has shown that outdoor
sports
 exert a significant positive influence on
people
's health and stress. In my opinion,
while
 it is undeniable that many
people
 cannot be safe when they are involved part in dangerous
sports
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 firmly believe that they use equipment well and do activities with experts, which makes them safe and helps their health lives.
Submitted by garim4645 on

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task achievement
To improve your task response, ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed. While you have discussed both views and provided a personal opinion, make sure each point is thoroughly elaborated. Additionally, sustain your position throughout the essay. This helps to demonstrate a critical engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on the seamless flow of ideas. While your essay is logically structured, work on using more varied and sophisticated linking phrases to further enhance the readability. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next one.
coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, ensure that your conclusion restates your main points more clearly and concisely. This will reinforce the essay's argument and provide a more satisfying closure to your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This ensures that your ideas are well-organized and easy to follow.
task achievement
You have supported your main points with relevant examples, which strengthens your arguments and demonstrates your ability to apply real-world knowledge to your writing.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensible, showing that you can convey your thoughts effectively and persuasively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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