More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. What are the most serious problems associated with obesity and what solutions can you suggest?
It is an irrefutable fact that the issue of putting weight among
children
in Western nations, where almost all people have good income compared to their expenditure has reached unprecedented levels. This
will examine the underlying causes of this
phenomenon before suggesting viable solutions to address it.
One significant reason behind getting overweight among rich areas' children
is consuming more fast food is due to
the affordability of meat and oil which are the main ingredients of the faty meal. Eating more of it has contributed considerably to exacerbating the issue by being less active and emitting the exercise from the daily routine result in obesity which restricted children
from the wish of being athleate and other job depending to
their good physical condition. Change preposition
on
Furthermore
, most diseases are caused by high blood cholesterol ( vascular oil ) such
as cardiovascular illnesses which occur by tightening the patch of blood flow in the body.
To mitigate the impact of obesity in developed countries, although
, there are several measures that can be taken by governments and parents, this
downs more to governments than ordinary citizens. Firstly
, individuals in authority should introduce stricter regulations on getting more taxes on oil and meat meanwhile, funding to farmers to cultivate more, than husbandry to make more affordable the latter that the former to motivate people to use them in balance and even like vegetarian once. In addition
, another solution could be implementing educational programs to raise awareness about the disadvantages of adding to weight and emphasise the advantages of consuming vegetables.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that obesity for children
in developed countries is a pressing concern. By adding the root causes and implementing effective solutions, society can hope to diminish its adverse effects significantly.Submitted by aliaghanjd74 on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the problem of obesity among children in developed countries and proposes solutions, but the ideas could be more clearly and comprehensively developed. Try to provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Some of the arguments are not clearly articulated or logically structured. For instance, the connection between government's measures and reducing obesity could be explained in a more coherent way. Work on organizing the points to flow logically from one to another.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward sentences that make it harder to follow the argument. For instance, 'This will examine the underlying causes' should be 'This essay will examine the underlying causes.' Proofreading your essay can help in reducing these errors.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion which helps in setting the context and summing up the points discussed.
task achievement
The essay makes a good attempt to cover both the causes of obesity and the potential solutions, showing a balanced approach to the topic.
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