In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message

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In many countries,

children

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are being told that it is important to become a hardworking

person

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in everyday

lives

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life

show examples

Although

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it can make them overthink and no longer

enjoying

Wrong verb form

enjoy

show examples

their

life

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as a kid,

such

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an advice

Remove the article

advice

a piece of advice

a bit of advice

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from the elders can make their

life

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better in their future years, especially for those who maintain

such

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a personality once they grow up as a professional. On the one hand,

children

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who are being told too much that an achievement is a result of

hardwork

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hard work

can lead to become an overthinking

person

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. In fact,

this

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type of

person

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is likely to put too much

efforts

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effort

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, which might make them physically and mentally ill. To illustrate, a student prepares for their exams until midnight simply because they believe that if they do not study for hours, they will not pass the test.

This

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condition can impact their health condition as well.

Furthermore

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such

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a phenomenon makes

children

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not

enjoying

Wrong verb form

enjoy

show examples

their

life

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as they should be.

For example

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, they neglect their friends' invitation to play outside,

hence

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, resulting in

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apply

show examples

anti-social behaviour.

However

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, there are several benefits,

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being taught in that way that society preserves, for the

children

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themselves. First and foremost, they are likely to become someone who used to maximize their effort in order to achieve their targeted results. Those with

such

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personality traits will enjoy the process and always strive to deliver their best performances.

For example

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, a high school basketball player is determined to

Unnecessary verb

apply

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the

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apply

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practice regularly to win a championship.

This

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type of attitude is a crucial thing to have as a key to success in their future lives. If they are able to maintain their level of determination in their professional

life

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such

Linking Words

as keeping up to achieve their company's goals, there is a big chance for

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apply

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career stability in the near future. In conclusion, there are several drawbacks that might happen to a child if they

received

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receive

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too much

advices

Change the wording

advice

pieces of advice

bits of advice

show examples

hardwork

Correct your spelling

hard work

, as they could become an overthinking

person

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and no longer

enjoying

Wrong verb form

enjoy

show examples

their childhood.

On the other hand

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, the benefits could

also

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make their

life

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better, especially in their professional lives.

Submitted by michellyonggo on Thu Jul 18 2024

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task achievement

Try to reduce minor grammatical errors to enhance clarity and readability. For example, 'an advice' should be 'advice' as it is an uncountable noun.

coherence cohesion

Ensure to vary your sentences more to make the essay flow better. It can help in maintaining the reader's interest.

coherence cohesion

Some sentences are a bit lengthy, making them hard to follow. Consider breaking them into shorter, more digestible sentences for better coherence.

task achievement

You presented a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

task achievement

You included relevant examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your points and makes your essay more persuasive.

coherence cohesion

Your introduction and conclusion are both clearly present and succinct, framing the essay well.

coherence cohesion

Good logical flow between paragraphs, aiding overall readability and coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

6.5

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

7.5

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

358 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

achieve
try hard
positive mindset
self-belief
motivates
ambitious goals
resilience
determination
confidence
self-esteem
growth mindset
unrealistic expectations
disappointment
failure
effort
hard work
seek support
individual differences
abilities
capabilities

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In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Your opinion

Write about the following topic: Is freedom of speech necessary in a free society? Give reasons for your answer.

many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

The first smartphone was released in 1992. By then year 2020 there may be as many as 2.5 billion smartphones in the world. The use of smartphones is decreasing our collective intelligence because we are reliant on the technology and not our own minds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?