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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in.

#selfishness #basis #society #people #values #respect #community #world
In
this
 day and age, it is thought that individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society and some individuals think that people must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community to create a better world in order to live in. I partly agree with the statement, and reasons for my viewpoint will be mentioned in
this
 essay. On the one hand, there are two main benefits of individual greed and selfishness.
To begin
 with, individual ambition can encourage innovation and creativity, which lead to economic growth.
For instance
, Nowadays , AI technology which results from individuals striking to achieve success, is trending and contributing to people's lives.
In addition
, One significant benefit is that young people have a better independent lifestyle. The young generation lives without their parents' observation which takes many parent's efforts.
As a result
, teenagers are confident when it comes to opting for their careers in the future.
On the other hand
, I firmly hold the viewpoint that traditions offer many advantages in life.
Firstly
, one important aspect is that the familial bond can increase sharply.
Therefore
, it leads to a stable society which
also
 gives rise to economic growth sharply.
Furthermore
, the second advantage is that mental health is improved significantly. The reason for
this
 is that the family always supports members who sometimes have to face work issues and relationship issues, making the community feel a sense of anxiety. In conclusion, I restate my partial agreement with
this
 statement because of all the above-mentioned reasons.
Submitted by hoangtrungmta94 on

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task achievement
Your essay offers a fairly complete response to the task and provides clear and comprehensive ideas. However, to strengthen your task achievement, try to integrate more specific, relevant examples that support your arguments.
task achievement
Work on further developing each point with detailed explanations to make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally coherent and well-structured, ensure that your ideas flow smoothly and logically from one to the next. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance unity and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are satisfactory, but consider providing a stronger closing statement in your conclusion to leave a lasting impression.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point in your paragraphs is well-supported with both explanations and examples to solidify your argument.
task achievement
The essay offers a balanced viewpoint, acknowledging both the benefits of individual ambition as well as traditional values.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and sets the stage for the essay.
coherence cohesion
You provided a logical structure with clear paragraphs for each argument, which aids in readability.
task achievement
The essay effectively covers multiple perspectives, which enhances the depth of your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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