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Band 7.5

It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environments such as the Soth Pole. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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It has become a reality now that
scientists
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 and visitors can visit remote environment
areas
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. From my perspective,
this
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 trend has more potential to benefit humanity than it could harm it. First and foremost, it allows researchers to investigate unexplored regions of the Earth. Presently, there are several groups of
scientists
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 stationed at the North Pole, thoroughly scouring these
areas
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 in search of new discoveries that could benefit humanity.
For example
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, Japanese
scientists
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 found a large quantity of Lithium on the North Pole, which is used to make batteries for electrical vehicles.
Moreover
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, natural habitats offer more to tourists as compared to general tourist sites.
Therefore
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, it can be a memorable experience for them to witness the beauty of natural habitats.
On the other hand
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, there are negative aspects associated with remote
traveling
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travelling
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 as well.
Firstly
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, tourists may unintentionally disturb the wildlife in these
areas
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. Many of them are not aware of the consequences of their actions and,
as a result
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, they are more likely to leave their rubbish behind, which can be harmful to the animals that reside there.
Additionally
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,
scientists
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 have to bring heavy machinery to these sites to search the area, which can damage the beauty of these
areas
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.
For example
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, to find a city underneath the Amazon forest,
scientists
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 cut down many trees in that area, which damaged the beauty to some extent. In conclusion,
although
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 remote travel has some disadvantages, it can benefit mankind in numerous ways.
However
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, the demerits can be tackled by spreading awareness among tourists and discouraging heavy research.

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Introduction
Clearly define your thesis statement early on to guide the reader through your argument. It's present, but making it more explicit can enhance clarity.
Body
Aim to provide a balanced view in your discussion, especially when examining advantages and disadvantages. Ensure that both sides are equally explored and substantiated with examples.
Conclusion
For the conclusion, restate your thesis in a summarized form and ensure it captures the essence of your argument effectively. Ensure it ties all your points together neatly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs more seamlessly. You've done well, but varying your transitions can enhance readability.
Body
When providing examples, ensure they are specific and directly support the point being made. While you have relevant examples, adding more detailed descriptions could strengthen your argument.
Structure
You have effectively used paragraphs to organize your ideas, which greatly aids in reader comprehension.
Content
Good use of examples to support your arguments, making them more convincing.
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