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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that physical education classes are an important part of a child's education. Others believe that it is more important to focus on academics during school time. discus both these views, and give your opinion.

#people #education #classes #part #child #focus #academics #school #time #discus
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Many people believe that physical
education
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classes
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 are beneficial for student's
education
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,
while
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 others think that it is more crucial to concentrate on academic
classes
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 during
school
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 time. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss my point of view followed by reasons and examples.
To begin
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 with, nowadays the world become more advanced than in the past, so with
this
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 improvement, teaching ways must become more advanced. In my opinion,
education
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 should be scrambling, it must be a mix of academic learning and physical
activities
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classes
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.
Consequently
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, children will not become bored and that may motivate them to go to
school
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. These days, most children are more attached to video games, so the presence of physical
activities
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 may help in
reduceing
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reducing
this
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 attachment.
For instance
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, my daughter when she was six years old,
she
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apply
show examples
didn't like her
school
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 because they were using old methods for learning, so my daughter hated her
school
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, for that reason, I moved her to another
school
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. Physical
activities
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 are more important as long as academic learning. Some researchers found a correlation between the cognitive development of young children's brains and sharing
activities
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 with others.
Although
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, it encourages their social intelligence.
On the other hand
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, there is a new
system
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 that emerged in previous years, the main idea of
this
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system
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 was doing
activities
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 inside the classroom. Basically, the idea of
this
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system
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 is to join the academic subjects with
activities
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.
Such
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 as chemistry and mathematics. It's more helpful and contributes to the development of the
education
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system
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 that goes with the requirements of
this
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 era.
To sum up
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, some opinions go with the importance of the presence of physical
classes
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 in schools
while
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 others believe that it is more important to focus on academic subjects. Our life has become more advanced than before,
therefore
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 learning methods must coincide with
this
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 advancement, to encourage students to study , learn and go to their schools.
Submitted by afnan.sa1992 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of presenting both views on the topic. However, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity and detail. Be sure to clearly outline your main points and support them with specific examples. Your daughter's story is a good start but could be more detailed. Adding more researched examples or statistics could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay generally follows a logical structure, some sentences are not smoothly connected, which affects the flow. Work on enhancing your transitions between paragraphs to improve coherence. Using more linking words and phrases could help in making the essay more cohesive.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and a well-rounded conclusion, which effectively summarize your arguments. This is crucial for a coherent and cohesive essay.
task achievement
You've made a good attempt at discussing both views, which shows a balanced approach to the topic. This is a key aspect in task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • physical education (PE)
  • holistic development
  • lifelong healthy habits
  • academic performance
  • core subjects
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • social skills
  • critical thinking skills
  • information age
  • balanced approach
  • holistic education
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