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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that living in an apartment instead of a university dormitory has many advantages while others say that it has many disadvantages. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in an apartment instead of a university dormitory.

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that residing in an
apartment
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 has more benefits than staying in
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 university dorm,
while
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 others argue living in
this
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 kind of place has many drawbacks.
This
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 essay will discuss both of advantages and disadvantages of living in an
apartment
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.
To begin
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 with, there are several merits why many individuals tend to choose an
apartment
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 as their option.
Firstly
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, Living in an
apartment
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 allows
people
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 to live with many amenities that make their lives easier and more effective. To illustrate, many apartments offer facilities to their residents
such
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 as sports facilities (gym, swimming pool, jogging track), entertainment, and public green space.
Furthermore
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, Staying in an
apartment
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 helps them to live by their desire which means they could arrange their room based on their preferences.
For instance
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, they could decorate their rooms with beautiful paintings and equipped with entertainment tools like video games and room karaoke.
In addition
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, the
lesser
Rephrase
less
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 strict regulation is one of the considerations of many
people
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 who tend to live in apartments, because most
people
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 want to relax and unwind after they have long hours of activities on a daily basis.
On the other hand
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, Living in an
apartment
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 creates a few disadvantages for its residents.
Initially
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, Social life between each other
people
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 who live in an
apartment
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 has become a major issue, as they only go back from their studies or work
then
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 without having any interaction and communication with the neighbourhood.
This
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 lifestyle leads to selfish characteristics which are not good for personal growth.
Moreover
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, in narrow spaces in apartments, many
people
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 tend to have less physical activity which results in health problems
such
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 as obesity, heart problems and bad posture because they like to lie down on their sofas.
To conclude
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, Residing in an
apartment
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 indeed gives more advantages
such
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 as a lot of facilities that they provide, independence, and having fewer rules.
However
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, it
also
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 has drawbacks
such
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 as social and health problems for their residents. In fact, I am strongly convinced that an
apartment
Use synonyms
 is the best option to live
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples

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coherence cohesion
While the essay provides a good structure, make sure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Including clearer transition sentences between points can enhance coherence.
task achievement
Try expanding on your examples. Providing more detailed anecdotes or data can make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay is organized clearly into advantages and disadvantages, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
Relevant examples, like amenities in apartments and individualized room décor, illustrate the points well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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