With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?
While
it is widely claimed that the advancements in health care nowadays enhance human lifespan which results in changes of
demographics Change preposition
in
especially
elderly people, others argue that Add the comma(s)
, especially
this
trend can be somewhat worrying as society
gains more responsibility to look after these fragile group
. Both opinions and how they can be managed will be elaborated on in Fix the agreement mistake
groups
this
essay.
To begin
with, it seems sensible for some to believe that society
might be unable to deal with an abrupt ageing society
, especially in terms of finance. This
is possibly because as ageing group surge
dramatically means that the potential working force in industries that Fix the agreement mistake
surges
support
the econommy
of a nation is Correct your spelling
economy
fewer
Correct word choice
smaller
as well
as
it requires greater responsibility to look after unemployed members. Take Japan, Correct word choice
and
for example
; Japan already underwent an aging
Change the spelling
ageing
society
leaving only 50% of young workers in the labour force. A recent reports
collated from Correct the article-noun agreement
Recent reports
A recent report
Correct article usage
the working-class
working-class
stated that they have to work extra Correct your spelling
working class
shift
in order to make a living both for themselves and the elderly.
Fix the agreement mistake
shifts
However
, I personally argue in favour of the potential management of this
seeing that this
can be resolved with the support
from the government in both financial and legal aspects. To simply explain, a
monetary Remove the article
apply
support
from the government can tremendously reduce family expenses for taking care the
elderly. Another is Change preposition
of the
regulation
of late retirement in order to gain more working force Correct article usage
the regulation
along with
promoting self-esteem for them. To exemplify, some countries in Europe extended the age of retirement as the number of aged citizens outnumber
the birth rate. Wrong verb form
outnumbered
As a consequence
, it benefits not only the family to earn more money but also
creates value for the elderly as well.
In summary, although
it is undeniable that ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
society
could be a worrying status in the
Correct article usage
apply
society
, I am of the opinion that great support
from the government either financially or legally will alleviate the burden for society
.Submitted by kamonluck1999 on
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coherence cohesion
To improve the score, try to refine the essay's logical flow and avoid minor grammatical errors. Ensure transitions between points are smooth and clear, providing a cohesive structure.
task achievement
Strengthen your main arguments, and reinforce them with more detailed examples and evidence. Avoid vague phrasing and ensure each point is fully explored.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear and concise response to the task, identifying both potential issues and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and effectively summarize the main points.
task response
Relevant examples, such as the situation in Japan and Europe, provide concrete support for the points made.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example