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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table below shows the worldwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the worldwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The table demonstrates the contribution of various computer companies to the economy of the
share
Use synonyms
 market for the years 2006 and 2007 including 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
HP
Use synonyms
 company holds the highest market
value
Use synonyms
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
throughout the period followed by the Dell brand.
However
Linking Words
, a wide range of variations and fluctuations were listed with other organisations. In the year 2006, the
HP
Use synonyms
 brand had a
share
Use synonyms
 of 31.4% which increased over time and reached 34.25% in 2014,
whereas
Linking Words
 the Dell company's portion was about half of the
HP
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
.
However
Linking Words
, it was increased by almost 10% by the end of the term.
In addition
Linking Words
,the other organisation
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
name, Toshiba, was marked with
continuous
Correct article usage
a continuous
show examples
 upward trend during the period and
finally
Linking Words
, its
share
Use synonyms
 was about one-fourth of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
HP
Use synonyms
's
share
Use synonyms
value
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the price of the
samsung
Change the capitalization
Samsung
show examples
 and Lenovo brands'
share
Use synonyms
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced a deviation in the year 2007 from 11.6 % and 6.6%, which were their
intial
Correct your spelling
initial
 values respectively.
However
Linking Words
, at
last
Linking Words
,the former's
value
Use synonyms
 was about half of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Dell's
whereas
Linking Words
 the latter holds about one-fifth
value
Use synonyms
 of the
HP
Use synonyms
 brand.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the market
value
Use synonyms
 of Fujitsu and other brands was reduced over the span.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, whereas".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words share, hp, value with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • market share
  • percentage points
  • market presence
  • ranking
  • market leader
  • least market share
  • total market share
  • market consolidation
  • market diversification
  • new entrants
  • exits
  • highlight
  • compare
  • decline
  • increase
  • improvement
  • loss of ground
  • manufacturer
  • worldwide
  • notebook computer
  • notable
  • significant
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