In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
As science and technology are developing fast, humans' life expectancy extends longer and the portion of elderly classes gets bigger. Some
people
argue an ageing population is burden
for governments but other Change the article
a burden
people
say large
portion of ageing Add an article
a large
people
gives help to our society. This
essay will contend the advantage of belonging with ageing people
.
First,
old
generations have been through more experiences than younger Correct word choice
older
people
and based on these they know
more knowledge and can give wiser Verb problem
have
solution
. Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
For example
, in the workplace workers who were
in the company Wrong verb form
have been
more
than 10 years teach and manage freshmen and can be a mentor to other workers. Even thoughChange preposition
for more
,
their physical strength will become weak as they get older they can give some tips and effective solutions based on their past experiences.
Remove the comma
apply
Second,
making a system for elderly people
is also
a part of essential
Correct article usage
the essential
preparing
Replace the word
preparation
step
for the future.
Many Fix the agreement mistake
steps
people
argue that caring for elderly classes is too big responsibility
Correct article usage
a responsibility
to
governments. Change preposition
for
Because for
older Correct word choice
For
people
, governments need to build senior citizen centre
where they can gather and interact and medical Fix the agreement mistake
centres
centre
where they can keep doing Fix the agreement mistake
centres
the
Correct article usage
apply
check-up
for their health. Fix the agreement mistake
check-ups
This
is true however
, it is also
essential for the future. According to
one Korean sociologist, the elderly classes account for the
most of the population now and Correct article usage
apply
this
trend will not change in a short period. So he put emphasis on making a system for them from now is important and I agree with his opinion.
In conclusion, ageing people
have more experiences
so they will be helpful to our society. Fix the agreement mistake
experience
Moreover
, allowing them is a mandatory assignments
of the world so we cannot avoid it and constructing some system to deal with it is the most wise treatment Change the noun form
assignment
in
Change the preposition
at
this
moment.Submitted by starmino0113 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Your essay provides a generally clear response to the task. However, adding more specific examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay can be improved. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that these ideas are presented clearly and coherently connected to the thesis.
language accuracy
Revising sentences for grammatical accuracy and variety would be beneficial. This will make the essay more compelling and easier to follow.
structure
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the overall argument.
task achievement
The essay touches on relevant factors and provides some supporting points, making it easier to follow.
task achievement
You have acknowledged both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced approach.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.