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Writing Samples
Band 6

Mental health concerns are a growing issue for many people around the world. What are some reasons for poor mental health, and what can governments do to support citizens' mental health?

#health #concerns #people #world #governments #support #citizens
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The
world
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 is now witnessing a mental
health
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 epidemic as there are growing concerns related to the number of
people
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 experiencing mental
health
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 complications. Reasons for
this
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 increase include but are not limited to intensive economic competition, sleep deprivation, and social
media
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 usage. As for solutions, I believe governments should focus on enhancing the country's economic position and introduce other necessary policies,
such
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 as banning social
media
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 in certain establishments. The
world
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 is now home to over eight billion
people
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, but there seem to be insufficient resources and opportunities for all.
People
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 in different parts of the
world
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 struggle financially and live most of their lives in pursuit of financial freedom. Only a certain proportion of
people
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 eventually secure a comfortable position within society, but the more significant percentage of
people
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 seem to never find peace when it comes to financial matters. Chasing money can be an exhausting assignment, making one's life stressful and
thus
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 resulting in certain mental
health
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issues
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, ranging from anxiety to severe alcoholism and clinical depression. As we live in a highly chaotic
world
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 where noise pollution and economic pressures rise continuously, our sleep patterns are
also
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 affected. Numerous studies have lately been investigating the lack of sleep that has become a norm for millions of
people
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 worldwide. Science claims that the less
people
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 sleep, the more likely they are to gain extra weight, develop cardiovascular diseases, and become anxious. The worst part is that the effect of sleep deprivation is not always felt instantly but can be a source of numerous
health
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issues
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 in the
long-term
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long term
show examples
, often making it an issue
that is
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 not taken seriously for a considerable amount of time. One more source of mental
health
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 dangers is the emergence of social
media
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 and its transformation into a daily tool so actively used
among
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by
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 the majority of
people
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.
Altough
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Although
 there are some positive features of different social networking platforms, they often affect
people
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's mental
health
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 negatively. The reason for
that is
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 the unprecedented amount of lies and
exagerration
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exaggeration
exaggerations
 in
social
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the social
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media
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 accounts of many content creators and celebrities. A regular person who lives paycheck to paycheck may feel insecure watching some social
media
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 users living a luxurious life that does not seem to have any worldly
issues
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. What makes
this
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 aspect even worse is that
people
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 tend to make irrelevant comparisons where they compare themselves to someone significantly younger but more successful. Speaking realistically, a certain percentage of
people
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 will inevitably suffer from mental
health
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issues
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, but many more can be saved from them. Governments can reconsider how they allocate resources within the country to make sure there is less economic disparity. Making sure there is less unemployment can help as well
due to
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people
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's dependence on a source of income in
this
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 highly materialistic
world
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 we live in. The less obvious solution that I consider rational enough is the ban
of
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on
show examples
 Internet use, including social
media
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,
in particular
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 public places. Schools, parks and libraries can be those venues where
people
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 should be encouraged to communicate, exercise and read rather than obsessively watch thousands of short videos that provide instant gratification and nothing else.
This
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 can
also
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 decrease the amount of radiation
people
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 are exposed to,
further
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 indicating the
health
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 benefits of potential prohibitions. In conclusion, mental
health
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 crisis is a complex issue that can be explained in different ways. Providing
people
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 with more economic opportunities and depriving them of some screen time can be useful.
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task achievement
While the essay covers the required elements of task response, providing more detailed suggestions for government actions could enhance the argument. Expanding on specific policies and their anticipated effects can provide a fuller response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all ideas link smoothly from one to the next. More transitional phrases could be used to enhance the flow between paragraphs, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main points, effectively illustrating the issues and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in making the argument more compelling.
task achievement
The ideas are generally clear and comprehensible, which makes the essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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