IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

“Some people think that Government should take measures to improve the health of its citizens. Others think it must be managed by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion”

#“some #people #government #measures #health #citizens #individuals #opinion”
Many
people
 believe that society's
health
care
 is part of the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 responsibilities.
On the other hand
, many argue that each one in the community should take
care
 of his own
health
. In my opinion, both the
government
 and individuals are responsible for the improvement of the
health
care
 system. On the one hand, proponents emphasise that if the
government
 made a proper
health
 scheme, we would notice positive changes in citizens'
health
. They agree that many
people
 are careless about their
health
, and if there are rules that are related to
health
 like essential regular checkups or blood tests,
people
 will start to take their
health
 seriously .
In addition
, they noticed that improving
health
 facilities like hospitals and labs, has a huge role in reducing human fears toward the medical sector.
Conversely
, some
people
 say that we should prioritise our
health
 rather than anything else, and we should not blame the
government
. They think that these days the reseon way we have improper
health
 is because we start to
care
 about the additional life needs rather than the mandatory ones.
For example
, many individuals
care
 about purchasing the newest mobile more than going to treating their damaged teeth.
In addition
, the
government
 has many other responsibilities to focus on it, and without help from their
nation
Add a comma
nation,
show examples
 they will not be able to provide many important things to them.
To sum up
, despite the argument that many agree that
health
care
 is part of the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 job and others think it is one of the humans' roles in their life, I believe that improving the
health
 of the community is a shared work between the
government
 and their nation.
Submitted by okalqusay on

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coherence
To improve clarity and coherence, make sure to address both views more equally and in a balanced manner.
task response
Provide more specific examples and develop each point more fully to enhance your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence
Work on making your transitions smoother between paragraphs to ensure a more fluid reading experience.
language
Pay attention to minor grammatical and spelling errors to further polish your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively setting up the discussion and wrapping it up.
task response
Main points are supported with explanations, though they can be developed further with more specific examples.
task response
The arguments presented are clear and relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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