IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many cities, there are areas of land that are used as parks. With increasing population levels, these areas would be better used to provide more housing. Do you agree or disagree?

#cities #areas #land #parks #population #levels
There are many areas of land that
currently
Add a missing verb
are currently
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 used as
parks
 in many regions. Some
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 argue that it would be better to convert these areas to residential areas to provide more housing. I agree with the idea because even though
parks
 are important,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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housing availability is more important when population
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 are increasing.
Parks
 bring many benefits to the
city
. Some of them are to maintain air quality in the
city
, as a touristic place and place to enjoy & get relax.
Parks
 can maintain air quality because there are
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of trees that
beneficial
Add a missing verb
are beneficial
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 to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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pollution,
then
 with many plans
overthere
Correct your spelling
over there
,
people
 can be
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
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 where
people
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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picnic and gather with their relatives. By
inhale
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inhaling
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 the fresh air
while
meet
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meeting
show examples
 their lovely ones, it can make
people
 find
joyment
Correct your spelling
joy
 and
happy
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happiness
show examples
.
On the other hand
, with the
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 of
citizen
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citizens
show examples
, housing availability is
a
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apply
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critical to be available.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 must face
this
 situation
as a consequence
 of the
city
that is
going
Verb problem
getting
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 bigger. With more
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
, the
city
 can have faster
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 growth and can be seen as
attractive
Add an article
an attractive
show examples
 area for future investors.
Although
 I agree with the idea, I prefer a win-win solution on
this
 topic. I think, on the
park
Correct your spelling
parkland
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land
Add a comma
land,
show examples
 we should build the apartment not the landed house.
Therefore
, we can still build a public park on top of the building so
people
 don't
lost
Change the verb form
lose
show examples
 the park. With
this
 strategy, the
city
 could provide more housing without
sacrifice
Wrong verb form
sacrificing
show examples
 the perks of
Correct article usage
the parks
show examples
parks
Change the noun form
park
show examples
 area.
Submitted by alfianarrizkyp on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the main task and offers a clear stance, it is critical to ensure ideas are fully developed and supported with relevant examples. For instance, when mentioning the benefits of parks, concrete examples or studies showing their importance could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there is a logical flow from one point to the next. Some sentences are slightly disjointed, and transitions between ideas can be smoother. Also, expand on the conclusion to reinforce your stance and summarize key points.
language use
Review and edit the essay for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, like "even though parks are important, but housing...". A clearer structure and more polished language will enhance readability.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic, agreeing with the statement, and attempts to offer a balanced view by suggesting a compromise solution.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the main argument, and the conclusion, although brief, proposes a creative solution that tries to address both sides of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban landscape
  • green space
  • recreational opportunities
  • mental well-being
  • ecosystems
  • urban heat island effect
  • biodiversity
  • water management
  • housing shortages
  • residential development
  • accommodate
  • urban areas
  • population density
  • sustainable development
  • quality of life
What to do next:
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