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Band 5

Around the world it is likely that more adults will work from home and more children will study from home, as computer technology becomes cheaper and more accesible . Do you think this will be a positive or negative development.

#world #adults #work #home #children #study #computer #technology #accesible #development
Working and studying from home by using
computers
 is increasing with low cost that
computers
 are easy to access in future. I believe that it is a negative situation and will have some dangers for humans
first,
using too much of
computers
 can damage the social relationships of
people
.
Second,
the health of
people
 can be affected.
Firstly
, being in touch with
computers
 more than enough easily damages
people
's communication. It means that when
people
 are in their homes and are working and studying on their
computers
 can not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
communicate with other
people
 and
after
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sometimes their ability to have relationships with others decreases because they were alone for a long time.
For example
, a man who is working in a big company can easily communicate with customers and his colleagues because he always does it and it is very common for him but a man who is working from home can not do it because he always is at home.
Secondly
, sitting and using
computers
 for a long time can have a negative effect on the physical health of the human body. Because using
computers
 needs sitting for hours on chairs can damage
people
's bodies. A healthy human has to work out to have a good and strong body and sitting can not do it for
people
 they
also
 might create some pain in their back and absolutely their eyes weaken when they look at the monitor too much.
For example
, a person who is sitting for a long time has a weaker body than others who are doing some workout around a day. In
onclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
people
 have to be social and have physical activity to be more healthy and have some relationships to have a better life and working and studying by computer can not give them
this
apportunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that all main points are thoroughly detailed and supported with relevant examples. Currently, some sections could benefit from more elaboration. For example, discuss further how working from home specifically impacts social interactions and provide a more detailed scenario for better understanding.
task achievement
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity. For example, rephrase the sentence 'A healthy human has to work out to have a good and strong body and sitting can not do it for people they also might create some pain in their back and absolutely their eyes weaken when they look at the monitor too much.' to 'A healthy individual needs to exercise regularly to maintain a strong body. Prolonged sitting can lead to back pain and weakened eyesight from excessive screen time.'
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph cohesion by using linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas. Phrases like 'In addition,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Moreover' can help provide a smoother transition between points.
coherence cohesion
Work on the conclusion to make it more effective and aligned with the main points discussed in the body. Summarize the key points and offer a final thought or recommendation.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and provides a direct outline of what the essay will discuss.
supported main points
The essay addresses both the social and health impacts of working and studying from home, covering two distinct areas effectively.
supported main points
The essay makes valid points regarding the impact of technology on social relationships and health, which are well-founded.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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