IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree

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In many parts of the world, there is a belief that
people
Use synonyms
 with a propensity to math and natural sciences are more appreciated than humanists(artistic
people
Use synonyms
). In my view, it is unfair to claim that the interests of the former ones are more important than the interests of the latter ones.
However
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, I partly agree since in the decade of technology scientific
people
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 are needed, who were valuable even in the past.
Although
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, it does not mean that
musicians
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 and artists are unimportant
,
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apply
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 because listening to music and enjoying movies became everyone's daily routine and it has a great impact on
people
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's mental health. First and foremost, scientists play the main role in modern achievements in almost every sphere, starting from the gadgets which are used constantly and ending with food, which is improved
day
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 by
day
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. Without scientists
people
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 wouldn’t experience a
technology
Replace the word
technological
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 breakthrough, thanks to them human beings enjoy using gadgets every single
day
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.
Moreover
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, even the food
people
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 consume is being modified by biologists and food experts.
People
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 are used to seeing various snacks, products, vegetables or fruits on the marketplaces, not caring about the work
made
Verb problem
done
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 by professionals to produce and deliver
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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great condition. Buying tropical fruits and finding snacks with the most unusual
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
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 won't surprise anyone nowadays.
On the other hand
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,
musicians
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 and artists
also
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 have made a great impact on
people
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’s lives. No one can imagine their
day
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 without listening to music, watching a movie or reading a book.
According to
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 many studies, music makes
people
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 happy and lessens the level of their stress
as well as
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 reading a book or enjoying a film and pictures.
In addition
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, playing an instrument, reading books, painting and taking pictures is not as easy as it may seem. It increases the creativity of the child and develops many different skills.
Thus
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, it proves the importance of artistic
people
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 and
musicians
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 in
the
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apply
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society.
Overall
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, thanks to scientists
people
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 have made great progress in technology and can entertain themselves without leaving home but without
musicians
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 and artists
people
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 couldn’t enjoy their works and songs. Both types of
people
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 are important for society and it's impossible to choose who is more valued in my opinion.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that more directly states your position on the topic. This can enhance the clarity of your main argument.
task achievement
Try to add more specific and varied examples to support the points you make, especially in the second body paragraph. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing transitions between some of your ideas to ensure a smoother flow of information throughout the essay. This will improve the readability and coherence of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively set the stage and summarize your arguments, respectively. This provides clear structure to your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are clearly related to the task prompt and you provide a balanced view, addressing both sides of the argument. This demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay covers relevant specific examples and ideas that support the main point, contributing to the overall cohesion and depth of your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
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