IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic : children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#topic #children #pressures #perspectives #measures
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In
this
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 modern day,kids have been lining increased pressures from various issues of their existence,
such
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 as social,
academics
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academic
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 and commercial.
This
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 essay will analyse the reasons
of
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for
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 pressures and suggest steps to
less
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lessen
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 them. The first reason is
competition
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a competition
the competition
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 of academic smart skills between different
child
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children
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.
Sucess
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Success
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 is the key
of
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to
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 happiness for some
parents
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 in
a
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an
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education
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educational
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 way.
Consequently
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,every second parent
try
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tries
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 to compare their own kid with others.From their perspective,high grades are
the
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an
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 example of better and wonderful possibilities in the future.
Parents
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 put
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an impacts
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impacts
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impact
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 on
children
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 to get first position at any cost.Because of that,the
children
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 keep studying the whole day.
Secondly
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,social pressures on
children
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 are largely influenced by the pervasive presence of social media and digital platforms.Social media and digital communication have created new dynamics where little people feel the need to constantly present an idealized version of themselves,leading to issues like
cyberbulling
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cyberbullying
cyber bullying
.
Moreover
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,the growing of
cyberbulling
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cyberbullying
cyber bullying
 and online peer pressure
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this
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apply
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further
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 aggravate the social problems that
children
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 have right now
..
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.
...
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To diminish these problems,
parents
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 should have realistic expectations from their
children
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.
Furthermore
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,they must not allow in the lives of their kids.Schools can
also
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 provide more support for students to help them manage stress.
In other words
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,it is significant to encourage mental health and provide
children
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 with resources and help to control stress and disquiet. In conclusion,as a people in modern day,
parents
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,
thus
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 adults should
to
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apply
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help
for
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apply
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future generations to win and solve some issues in
this
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 life. I believe that
,
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apply
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 steps should be taken on a war footing to protect their pure childhood.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on developing clearer, more coherent topic sentences for each paragraph. This stronger structure will help guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure spelling and punctuation errors are minimized to enhance clarity and readability.
task achievement
Expand on each point with more specific examples. This will strongly support your arguments and improve overall clarity.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the question effectively, touching on both causes and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and properly frame the essay's discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses appropriate linking phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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