IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Topic : children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#topic #children #pressures #perspectives #measures
In
this
 modern day,kids have been lining increased pressures from various issues of their existence,
such
 as social,
academics
Fix the agreement mistake
academic
show examples
 and commercial.
This
 essay will analyse the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 pressures and suggest steps to
less
Replace the word
lessen
show examples
 them. The first reason is
competition
Add an article
a competition
the competition
show examples
 of academic smart skills between different
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
.
Sucess
Correct your spelling
Success
show examples
 is the key
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 happiness for some
parents
 in
a
Change the article
an
show examples
education
Replace the word
educational
show examples
 way.
Consequently
,every second parent
try
Change the verb form
tries
show examples
 to compare their own kid with others.From their perspective,high grades are
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 example of better and wonderful possibilities in the future.
Parents
 put
Correct article usage
an impacts
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
 on
children
 to get first position at any cost.Because of that,the
children
 keep studying the whole day.
Secondly
,social pressures on
children
 are largely influenced by the pervasive presence of social media and digital platforms.Social media and digital communication have created new dynamics where little people feel the need to constantly present an idealized version of themselves,leading to issues like
cyberbulling
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
cyber bullying
.
Moreover
,the growing of
cyberbulling
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
cyber bullying
 and online peer pressure
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
further
 aggravate the social problems that
children
 have right now
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
To diminish these problems,
parents
 should have realistic expectations from their
children
.
Furthermore
,they must not allow in the lives of their kids.Schools can
also
 provide more support for students to help them manage stress.
In other words
,it is significant to encourage mental health and provide
children
 with resources and help to control stress and disquiet. In conclusion,as a people in modern day,
parents
,
thus
 adults should
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
help
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
future generations to win and solve some issues in
this
 life. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 steps should be taken on a war footing to protect their pure childhood.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Focus on developing clearer, more coherent topic sentences for each paragraph. This stronger structure will help guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure spelling and punctuation errors are minimized to enhance clarity and readability.
task achievement
Expand on each point with more specific examples. This will strongly support your arguments and improve overall clarity.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the question effectively, touching on both causes and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and properly frame the essay's discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses appropriate linking phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: