IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic : children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#topic #children #pressures #perspectives #measures
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In
this
 modern day,kids have been lining increased pressures from various issues of their existence,
such
 as social,
academics
Fix the agreement mistake
academic
show examples
 and commercial.
This
 essay will analyse the reasons
of
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for
show examples
 pressures and suggest steps to
less
Replace the word
lessen
show examples
 them. The first reason is
competition
Add an article
a competition
the competition
show examples
 of academic smart skills between different
child
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children
show examples
.
Sucess
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Success
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 is the key
of
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to
show examples
 happiness for some
parents
 in
a
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an
show examples
education
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educational
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 way.
Consequently
,every second parent
try
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tries
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 to compare their own kid with others.From their perspective,high grades are
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 example of better and wonderful possibilities in the future.
Parents
 put
Correct article usage
an impacts
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
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 on
children
 to get first position at any cost.Because of that,the
children
 keep studying the whole day.
Secondly
,social pressures on
children
 are largely influenced by the pervasive presence of social media and digital platforms.Social media and digital communication have created new dynamics where little people feel the need to constantly present an idealized version of themselves,leading to issues like
cyberbulling
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
cyber bullying
.
Moreover
,the growing of
cyberbulling
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cyberbullying
cyber bullying
 and online peer pressure
this
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apply
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further
 aggravate the social problems that
children
 have right now
..
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.
...
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To diminish these problems,
parents
 should have realistic expectations from their
children
.
Furthermore
,they must not allow in the lives of their kids.Schools can
also
 provide more support for students to help them manage stress.
In other words
,it is significant to encourage mental health and provide
children
 with resources and help to control stress and disquiet. In conclusion,as a people in modern day,
parents
,
thus
 adults should
to
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apply
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help
for
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apply
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future generations to win and solve some issues in
this
 life. I believe that
,
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apply
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 steps should be taken on a war footing to protect their pure childhood.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on developing clearer, more coherent topic sentences for each paragraph. This stronger structure will help guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure spelling and punctuation errors are minimized to enhance clarity and readability.
task achievement
Expand on each point with more specific examples. This will strongly support your arguments and improve overall clarity.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the question effectively, touching on both causes and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and properly frame the essay's discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses appropriate linking phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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